Confessions of a libra

My body is an archive | Credit: Here

06.06.25

Literary erotica was my gateway drug into sex, but nothing prepared me for how much curating I was going to have to do. I was under the impression that you were likely sexually attracted to someone you were already soulmates with, so sex was just a matter of sharing yourself. I thought the most vulnerable part was in my nudity. Instead it was in self-advocacy. It was in learning what I liked, what I didn’t and finding some sort of agency. This morning spirit said, the people want to know more personal stories, give it to them. Here I am, reporting for duty at 6am.

The Libran infatuation

My journey began at 16. For the unsheltered Westerners, this is a relatively high number. For someone who was Christian until 17, this was a shock even to me. I had this bestie. Male, tall, nerdy and friendly. Bi, overlapping teeth (loved his smile) and as safe as a man can get. Our first everything was awkward, but it was awkward together. I thought he was everything at 16, until we dated and I finally figured out what an infatuation was. This is Mr Rescue-me-from-a-stalker guy. Despite the infatuation element, the sexual chemistry between us was perfect, definitely enough to stir me into disobedience. In retrospect, I’ve always had an eye for picking up chemistry, unfortunately at the expense of other characteristics sometimes. Even at 16, I could see my penchance for trying new things. I had curiosity, and he was a safe pair of hands. I refuse to critique anything here based on age and I feel fondness.

My first Scorpi-hoe

This one was a fucker. You want a story? I’ll give you a story.

Picture meeting this blonde boy around 13. First day of school, you get introduced and this boy starts talking to you and asking you about your work. Everyone stares and you note it, but let it go. After class he asks if he can walk with you to the next one. You let it happen. Afterwards you make a new friend, a lovely Samoan girl. You connect on your love of Twilight and proceed to be besties shortly after. She tells you that the reason everyone stared is Scorpio 1 has never given anyone attention like that. This is thrilling, bookish even. The next year or so until he gets himself expelled or moved (I don’t recall the exact wording), this boy proceeds to harass you. But at that age, with all the hormones you’re confused. Let me give you some examples.

Mans has a temper. Volatile. I don’t know why yet so let’s not spoil it. He acts up in class and almost always gets thrown out. I’m confused because he is smart. He also confuses me because when we speak, he is thoughtful. I find him to be sweet and attentive, then other times he disrupts my nervous system.

Notable incidents. I am walking to class, he comes up and starts a fake argument – then lifts me up onto his shoulder while running down the corridor with me. That happened multiple times. One time I am reading my book on the ground while we line up for the next teacher, he comes and starts a fake argument – drags me down the corridor by the ankle. Real caveman vibes. The ankle one was a boundary cross because I was lucky to be wearing shorts under my skirt as he was dragging me away. Mind you, this is in front of other people, he isn’t subtle and neither am I. Either way, he has to leave school so I never have to think about this weird chemistry we have ever again…or so I think.

He returned to me at 17, post-breakup. He apologised for being weird (I’ll tell this story some other time) and wouldn’t you know it – I caved. Librans are notorious for two things; loving the overlooked and people pleasing. I would say this decision was a bit of both. Scorpio 1 improved upon my last experiences in that he was soft with his hands and he was devoted. He was as passionate as a young man can get and he was obsessed with me. All a recipe for some fun consensual time. That was as close as I had gotten to orgasm at this point, which showed we were making progress. An upward trend if you will. No extra notes. Again, I was young.

Turning Point – The Slimy Mediterranean

I was 18, bored and dating online. I did all the right things. Picked images that were a mixture of sweet and spicy. Wrote a bio accentuating my sapiosexual nature (yes, I been knew) and flirted like I was born to do it. Enter The Slimy Mediterranean S.M. For short. We started talking, and he immediately picked my brain. We talked about the things I was interested in per my bio including Radiohead. He seemed nice, he didn’t rush me (from what I could see thus far) so when organically he invited me over, I conceded. He lived further East than me but he came to collect me. We arrived at his humongous house, nestled in foliage.

We put something on, maybe it was Disney who remembers. All I know is, I genuinely thought we would watch something and possibly make-out. I didn’t see any need to rush, we could always see each other again. That’s where I was wrong. He began making moves while I was watching, and I acted like I wasn’t annoyed that he was ruining the flow. We proceeded to have an argument dressed as a tip-toe, tug-of-war. I told myself technically, I had made the decision it was possible beforehand. So it happened. It wasn’t bad in any overt way. It was bad because I had felt forced into doing it in a timing that wasn’t suitable for me. So while he didn’t hold me down, my mind was very much plotting my escape the whole time, which nullified the experience in my mind.

We spoke afterwards via the app and I tried to assert myself retroactively. I tried to understand him too, why he felt the need to act like that. He said something that shifted me forever. He said of course he was going to act all patient with me when we were talking. He said he talked to me about my interests and postured his intelligence because I basically gave him a blueprint. So, seeing as he was on the app for one thing, he was going to use the relevant information to get what he wants. My blood ran cold. I was sickened by the audacity but beneath that grateful for the revelation. I played with adding sapiosexual on and off for years after because of this period of my life. And yet I always returned to it because without it, men weren’t trying to engage my mind. 0/10 experience would not recommend.

My First Love – The Libran Serial Monogamist

He was prophesied to come. I had a reading at Spellbox in Bourke street a month or two before we met. They told me I would know from the first meeting that we were soulmates. They were right. It was weirdly cinematic and synchronistic with him. We met on Tinder and I felt comfortable talking to him right away. For anyone outside of Australia, Australian dating culture is so bad that people either date within their friendship groups or use apps. Or colleagues but it’s hard to meet someone “organically”. Moving on.

Our flirting genuinely felt like a volley, and when he sent me a selfie of him standing on his bed with a tie on and some underwear – I was weirdly into it. There was something about his quiet confidence. He spoke to me about food like a connoisseur (spoiler he’s a chef), spoke of how he liked to indulge with wine and cheese – and I was sold. Our first date was at Starbucks and what I remember most is his eye contact – searing. I found out later that he was a Scorpio Mars, hence the heat I sensed in that stare. He also…listened. Like actually. He listened to me more than he talked that day and he wasn’t dying to interrupt.

I felt him observing me, and I felt undressed by the attention. He drove me home. I would have never allowed someone to drive me home the first date. I made an exception. Our first kiss was messy. I thought he was too tongue and saliva heavy. Fun fact, studies have found men like more saliva in their kisses than women. In my earlier years this was a fucking nightmare for me, and Libra number 1 was worse. Anyway, first kiss was probably an 8/10 but I was hooked enough by his quiet lover-boy charm. He had come out of a relationship not long before. This irked me to no end, but I felt trapped by the soul-bond. It felt fickle to focus on that once you meet someone who moves the tectonic plates of your world.

Here is where I thrived. S.M. taught me that playing safe with men wasn’t working. I had expected him so many times to register my caution and stop pressuring me. I expected men to respond to women with the same attention to detail, I was sorely mistaken. Mr Libra no. 2 and I decided to enter into terms. I told him that since we were going to be friends with benefits, I wanted complete honesty. I wanted to know everything he liked, including the things that he was ashamed of and I would do the same. Things like this work out spiffingly when you have someone who respects your autonomy, even a smidge. Up until this point, I didn’t enjoy receiving oral sex and I tolerated giving it. Meeting someone who was more experienced, willing to learn my body, patient and caring – allowed me to bloom in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

I started liking oral sex. I started liking sex a whole of a lot more than I ever thought was possible. And what bloomed from that was a ravenous libido. I had always thought sex was something men loved more. I had always thought of people who had high sex drives to be men. I certainly until then hadn’t associated myself as being one of them. Until now.

In retrospect, his Scorpio Mars and my Scorpio Eros were basically fucking in the same rhythm. He was very sexually open and so was I. We talked about everything at length before we did it. That was part of the fun, part of the build up. So of course with the intensity of our sexual attraction and our similarity in romantic preferences, we eventually began a relationship. He taught me how good being in my body is when someone is listening to it. He told me very early on that he was going to do something I had never done. He was going to give me my first orgasm.

I always hated and loved his arrogance. Unfortunately for me, my Leo placements can find arrogance to be sexy. A challenge even. He always said things too cockily but he actually fulfilled them. So one day, it happened. Before I learned to touch myself, he had me so safe in my body so as to have a vaginal orgasm. Now, in my late twenties I realise how insane that is. It’s insane because most women find it easier and simpler to have clitoral orgasms. They are likely to have them for years before they ever have a vaginal one. I didn’t believe him to be honest, I thought it was just another man promising what he couldn’t keep. But his pure commitment to pleasure, and to unravelling me had its intended effect.

This relationship flourished sexually because we became each other’s safe space. In the beginning he had some insecurity about his body because of a skin condition. I had insecurities because of girlhood. We both made an effort to show each other that we liked each other anyway. That these things were inconsequential. We developed high trust pretty early on. We were almost brutally honest about our wants and interests in a way that might make some of you blush. Our relationship became open and fluid. Always exploring and trying the things we had spoken about. We even went to the strip club together. As far as sex goes, this set a new benchmark.

The Eccentric Old-Timey Scorpio

The first date I had with this man, should one day be adapted into a film. Let’s set the scene. Think eccentric rich boy he should have been born in the 1800’s but was unlucky enough to be born this century. Complicated ancestry with my background but I don’t think my ancestors held that against him. He validated for me that sex with a Scorpio is always going to have the pace that I like. Slow, excruciating and terribly romantic.

Scorpio 2 would hate to be called anything he has been called thus far by the way, and he is a contrarian. He came in a stage of life where I was feeling soft, I was opening up again. So, I experimented with letting him lead more than I would with other people. I evaluated that I would enjoy it, so my submission was very much a conscious decision. I’m always prepared. He taught me that sex between a really short woman and much taller man can be comical. In that, certain positions just don’t work. It was odd with him because the sex felt terribly personal and those scorching Scorpio eyes blazed into me – yet I always knew he had a wall up. So it was strange that he would be those two things at once, it seemed like a lot of work, but I never voiced it.

By allowing myself to let him take the lead, I realised that I was gaining confidence in myself more than anything. I had picked someone who could safely hold me in that way. I used our time together to escape. I let him lead in conversation. I just let myself feel him and the electricity that we had. I liked soaking in it. I liked when he went on rants about Mathematics, his strange music fixations or something completely mad. I listened, and it made the sex more honest when it came.

Throughout the years I have explored through men what the heights and bounds of my own pleasure are. I have tried out so many different fantasies, especially the ones I read up on and felt giddy in my gut about. Each partner was a way to explore within different bounds. Scorpio number 2 was particularly jealous, in a way that Libra number 2 wasn’t. It didn’t bother me, I just leaned into each energy for what it was and enjoyed it. I loved debating Scorpio number 2 on how shaky his arguments were for why I shouldn’t add another person to my roster. I never did, but it was fun to have him scramble. To watch his intellectualism fly out the window, in favour of emotion.

Each time I was single I used it as a way to connect deeper with myself. It never made sense to me to have other people be able to open doors that I couldn’t with my own body. That is what always brought me back. I was patient with myself, understanding that I was likely fighting deep programming as well as everything else. I think learning to communicate my needs was the real turning point, but also picking men who cared to listen to my requests. That combination was lethal.

Try out everything that you can safely. Work with your partners to foster such deep trust and safety that both your needs can bloom. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties. Sex is so enjoyable when expectations are on the table. You do not have to already be good at sex, but your ego has to be willing to admit it. You don’t improve by pretending you are already great at it and ignoring any feedback that says otherwise. Stay sexy, keep your sex consensual, stay honest and may the sex Gods ever be in your favour.