Confessions of a libra

The sacred melancholy of closure

Credit: Here

12.07.25

People glorify being an empath, when the reality is it is draining thankless work. As an empath, you naturally overextend and in world full of selfish people, carved by colonial past and hyperindividuality – it’s isolating. Over my twenties with all the self-work I have done, one of the last things to let go of is my overcompensating to make up for the lack of reciprocity. These people are just present enough to get the tea, track my movements and not feel like they are getting left behind – but not honouring me in a deep intrinsic way. I could not be less interested in putting in effort where I now see fissures.

Many times in my life I have displayed the pattern of overextending and then self-correcting. It is always in the self-correcting that the chasm between me and others grow. Without my checking in, my remembering the things important to others – many people I used to speak to regularly just fall away. This is one the things I struggled with around the age of 17 when I realised how much of myself I freely give to others from a place of love, while receiving crumbs in return. Worse still, is the people dishing out the crumbs getting upset and entitled when I pull away. When I no longer pour from my own cultivated overflow. Like they ever deserved that level of grace. It sickens me how much selfish people take, but that is why as a giver the only thing you have control and power over – is when and how you give.

There are people who feel utter ice and a lack of warmth from me and wonder why I give it to others. You don’t deserve the love and affection I give to others. People love my big heart but are not willing to do what needs to be done to stay in its warmth. I know I appear to be a hardarse, because I have standards. My standards aren’t unreasonable, they are just scary when you’ve never even considered what it’s like to have integrity. I can see myself cutting someone off and letting them back in, but what it takes is a sincere apology. Then an acknowledgement and reiteration of where exactly you failed, how you figured it out or why you denied it and what self work you are actively doing to never have that happen again.

Many people are too prideful to apologise. And so there dies the connection. RIP. That is the nature of my compassionate nature. I grow and change all the time, so I accept that people can grow into better versions of themselves. Yet many people don’t believe that about themselves, so they never do anything about their faults, choosing instead to double-down on the victim narratives that feel righteous. One thing my soul has learnt in this life is freedom comes from being able to attach and detach. When I attach, I attach very strongly. I likely imprint on anyone I attach to with insane ease. My kindness has made people think they can walk all over me. That is until I cut them off or detach from them.

Once I reach a point of no return with you, I will not offer an explanation. I will simply remove myself from your orbit. I stop thinking of you as someone worthy of checking in with. I will mute your notifications, if you haven’t insulted me to the point of no return. I will respond as and when I feel like, whereas when I am invested I am much more communicative and effusive. Eventually, if you get blocked – that is the end of your reign. When I decide you do not exist in my world, it is with terrifying air sign precision. I have that Libran cut off game, nursed from childhood – as well as the 11th house energy. I will walk past you and look through you, because you simply are a non-entity. You have become furniture, or wallpaper. Whichever analogy you prefer.

Life’s cruelty has taught me that familial loyalty is sometimes a smokescreen for people to abuse you in a way that feels approved by society. They do it because they can, and that familial bond breeds entitlement. You cannot convince me who didn’t ask to be born, that I am beholden to you. When I think of how much family has been unsafe for me and my sensitivity my whole life? It sickens me. Never making room for my sensitivity, making it the butt of the joke, downplaying my intellectualism because while my family is intellectual I definitely have the highest EQ. It was easy to make me the weak one because I shed tears. It was easy to make me the scapegoat because my need for harmony and my strong mars placement (in Leo) meant I would get my hands in there and fix the problems.

People never counted on that I was keeping score. That I was tallying their behaviours in a ledger, from the micro to the macro. Then one day, the guillotine comes down. I have always been addicted to the idea of found family because I found more of a home in people I met that weren’t family members. Yet even that has its limitations, when you grow and learn as quickly as I do. What feels like a safe haven and sanctuary one day, turns out to be dead weight the next. I have envied people with lifelong friendships, yet I think there is a trade-off. To know and love someone that long whether it was platonic, familial or romantic – requires you to let a lot of things go. The idea that I would be long-suffering for a crumb of love and attention, makes me want to vomit. I’d rather be lonely than continue a relationship with ANYONE that doesn’t value me as much as I value them. It’s not worth the way it penetrates my mind, when I have other things to focus on.

The reason I have such great forward momentum in life is because of that very cut off game that people hate in me. When I look through you and choose to not acknowledge your performance, I’m saving myself from mental/emotional/psychic load to unpack later. I refuse to stew and ponder about someone who is literally a non-entity. If I ice you out, and you decide to start acting like a human being again; respecting my autonomy but offering genuine olive branches, I will likely change the way I relate to you. It doesn’t mean we will be besties.

With all my 12th house placements and metacognition, if I am behaving in a way you dislike – you should be looking in the mirror first before you start accusing me. I reflect other people’s energy. Upon my return to work, there is a gorgeous girl who has been working with me directly. Her energy is light and clear. She doesn’t fake her kindness, her emotional reactions are true (0% incongruence), she works hard and in fact she is probably undervalued for how intelligent and multidimensional she is. As such I make it known how I see her. I prop her up because she deserves it, and if she were to change her tune so would I. That is how my discernment works. You don’t get a lifetime pass access to my light and generosity because you did a few kind things to/for me. Much less so if you’re simply performing empathy, kindness, care or compassion.

People think the worst thing you could do is blow up at them and tell them everything they did wrong. I disagree. Many times people want you to fight them as a way of prolonging access, trying to manipulate you or gain control of the narrative. Angry, controlling people cannot bait me with this. I think personally a clean break hurts most, yet it teaches the hardest lesson. So it is my chosen modus operandi. If you’re lucky or I’m the right mood, I might grace you with an answer. It will be scathing, it will be to the point and it invites no debate. The more you try to back and forth because you think you can manipulate me into changing my mind, then comes the block. Instead I just prefer to withdraw my energy. My energy is currency. You will feel it when I stop shining my light on you.

If I even still talk to you, then you’re not doing half bad. If I don’t even register your existence, then truly you are fucked. You’re only fucked if you place your worth on whether or not you get approval from others. Which many of you do. Let’s get into the signs I know I have outgrown a relationship no matter the nature of it. I know I have outgrown someone when I leave the conversation feeling drained. When everything they say or write to me I hear both what their saying, and a different tone underneath that speaks to a negative emotion. These tend to be super subtle. I can tell whether you’re gassing me up to raise me up, or falsely pump my ego so you remain in my orbit. I can smell it a mile away. If I start second guessing everything you say, we are in the depths of hell.

Once I start withholding information from you. It’s always strategic and you truly won’t know what you don’t know. I have a special talent because I am largely an open book, of giving enough that people feel the vulnerability without it costing me anything. If it cost me something, I wouldn’t be airing it out. So those people who think me strange for talking about sex or societal issues so boldly with anyone of any hierarchy, it’s because I’ve already processed the implications of my actions. I’m not blind nor am I stupid. You are just behind in your understanding.

I’ll notice that as I win more and more, your victimhood come out in wanting more and more sympathy. This happens to me a lot. All of a sudden you don’t want to do something, because you think I’d do it better. So you pout and hope that I’ll help you or tell you you’re so amazing instead of trying to find intrinsic motivation like the rest of us do. Bypassing self-help there, very convenient. When people only check in when it suits their mood, their plans and their justifications at my expense. I clock it all. And I would say lastly, if I am sharing my stories, my life and my world and then I suddenly have to defend myself from you. I have to overexplain something because you choose to see attacks in my luminosity.

If you can only understand me as the version of me who met you, then you can keep her because she’s in the past. You can never really say you love me wholly as a person, if you cannot make space for my growth. If you cannot let my success be mine and mine alone. Proximity to me is not the same as doing hard work. I’m sorry not sorry. As a Black woman, many of us are afraid of being seen as harsh because we have been painted that way by society. Harsh because Black women are the least protected people in society, yet we have the kind of strength that comes from pressure. And we all know pressure makes a diamond. Black woman are often seen as less forgiving (I have especially heard this romantically) and it is seen as a negative thing.

What I hear when people say things like this is, you don’t like women with opinions and judgements and prefer pliable women that you can abuse and subjugate at will. You don’t like accountability for your actions. So for all the Black women out there, continue to serve justice through your discernment and keep your auric field clean from leeches. We are only powerful because we had no one there for us, which left us no room but to cultivate genuine self-love. This is a fucking strong foundation for success (despite our societal disadvantages).

This is where our socialisation differs to White women. They were born into society already carved for them by White men, pedestalising them and creating a whole race ladder of importance with White women being the creme de la crème of women. White women are the feminine standard of beauty supposedly, and even femininity is judged through primarily a white lens. As such, it is easier for White women to play into victimhood because someone will always see their tears as genuine, their struggles as undeserved and their femininity as worth preserving. The victimhood I see play out in White women is something that has been sociologically observed. Hence why we have terms like ‘White women’s tears’ and ‘White feminism’. Black women’s survival and activism tends to bring everyone up, instead of centring ourselves the way White women tend to.

In numerology 2025 is a 9 year, which speaks to the ending of cycles. The endings happening this year will be brutal. To quote Johnson from Peep Show, “I hope the scythe’s remorseless swing can bring comfort to us all”. If you have anyone you dearly care about, I encourage that you make honest amends now. If you know me and I start pulling away, know that it was your fault then self-reflect. Or don’t, but it won’t matter to me once I’ve moved on. I will no longer explain myself. In fact, I can just direct people to this blog if they are so curious. I tend to mourn relationships during or while I am pulling away, but the moment it is done – I am also done. The real estate in my mind is cleared and ready for new data input. My growth is inevitable and I make no apologies for it. For those who have wronged me, I still hope you eat. Just not at my table anymore.