Confessions of a libra

Phoenix in solitude | Credit: Here

20.09.25

This week has been a complete excavation of my soul. Processing grief of the last 17 months of my life and the complete dehumanisation and humiliation I have experienced professionally. Dehumanisation and humiliation people expected me to take silently, like a good little dog. Roll over and take it, is a directive I am well accustomed to receiving. From my family, from society and neither have gotten what they wanted from me.

I have been painting instead of writing the last few days. Channelling my depression and my anxiety through the brush. I brought a vision I had to light, in my sketchbook and I await to see what it means or what it reveals about me. I was supposed to be on a plane last night to go to Zimbabwe. This trip was supposed to be about me celebrating my birthday with my Grandmother. All I wanted for my 29th birthday at the end of the month, was to see her. I am very conscious that she is aging. That she has already surpassed the life expectancy, and I have no denial where death is concerned.

Instead I have spent the week grieving, crying myself into naps, like a true Taurus moon. Fighting for my life to regulate my nervous system. Meditating, journalling, more crying to release the stored energy instead of letting it fester. There’s been some unexpected inner child healing as well. Lots of reminiscing, which has led to seeing my childhood with fresh adult eyes. I have had a couple of people over my life tell me that I had a narcissistic mother. I detest people randomly diagnosing anything, but especially narcissism as it became some sort of flag to wave especially in the mid 2010’s, towards anyone people hate. Or anyone who is just a bit selfish or unaware.

I have been dissecting my childhood with Lyra and I told her about the narcissism comments I had previously received. Well, she presented me with my own stories back and explained that while we cannot randomly diagnose someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my mother really has exhibited all the signs of the narcissistic mother archetype. So I do what I normally do to therapise myself, watch Clinical Psychologists talk about the matter at hand. I watched a couple of different people, and each point they hit on what narcissistic mothers are like, rang true for what I have experienced my whole life.

I realise I survived my childhood through illusions, daydreams and spiritual protection. For the Astrology buffs, I have a Neptune-Uranus conjunction in my 4th house. I had to find lovely, neat explanations for the constant gaslighting, abuse and abandonment I felt. It is both heavy and sobering to realise how much I have endured. I would say one of the things I told myself to get me through, is I was happy I didn’t have two toxic parents in my life. My father was an opt in, opt out father who checked in some years consecutively, other times just silence. A part of me tried to mould myself to make her happy, but I knew I couldn’t. I understood even as a child, that I kept trying to run away from home, because I felt unloved. I felt under attack from my own mother. So many adults asked me what was really going on and whenever that adult felt like a safe person, I would tell them.

I know my mother hated me explaining the truth of my life, because it tore the perfect glamour she was trying to cast. Yet even in looking back, I never stopped stepping on that woman’s neck. I spent my whole life getting overwhelmed by her, and leaking truth in her direction. I did it through tears, while shaking and genuinely scared she could physically hurt me. I am trying to decide if I want to make a blog series on surviving a narcissistic parent, or turn it into a book à la Jeanette McCurdy. There is a lot to discuss as having a narcissistic parent can make you replicate the dynamic in other relationships, something I am now realising looking back at my ex-platonic and romantic relationships. If you have any preferences what avenue you would want to read about these experiences, feel free to comment or email me.

Being a truth-teller is a thankless job. It is way more likely to make you a pariah than it is to get your praised. My entire life has been testament to this. Yet it is what I was born to do. I didn’t wake up on this planet, with metacognition and my level of intellect – so I could simply map out systems in my head and leave it there. I map out systems, I study them and I dismantle them. I want my legacy in this life to be the one who never let abusers sleep well at night. I want everyone who abuses whether personally – like my mother – or systematically like businesses, churches or even governments to know that they are only powerful in the dark. And I was born to shine the light that exposes the rot.

In the middle of me conversing with my inner child, I have been watching American politics as I do – with a keen eye. I was in one of my depressive hazes, the day Charlie Kirk got shot. Though I normally don’t entertain videos of physical violence, I did watch the video of the shooting. As soon as I saw the perfect, public shot – my Witches’ nose for bullshit was twitching. As someone who watches politics with the same passion as I watch celebrity news – to map archetypes – I have known and watched Charlie’s rise to relevance. My immediate feeling wasn’t glee that he died, just because I am a left-winger, but it was sadness that a man lost his life so young. A young man and a father of two.

Then the first coherent thought I had is, his death was orchestrated. It was evident from the video alone. Though I have never shot a gun myself, I have been around people who have, including my own mother who was in the Army in Zimbabwe. I know that just because someone is a gun enthusiast, does not make them a great shot. That’s a very specific skill, some people just have. That shot, the way it travelled, and the way it hit his neck? That was a perfect shot, even for me who doesn’t engage in that kind of activity. Then Charlie being shot during a debate on mass shootings… the irony was just a little too crisp. That, and while a school shooting was occurring in a different state… I am not an American, but I am disgusted by the flagrant assassination and the shittiest cover-up and propaganda following his death.

Make no mistake, I have been following this thread with precision, as it has given me something to do outside of feeling sorry for myself. I watched how quickly Bibi Netanyahu responded to Charlie’s death. The way Trump was likely annoyed and overshadowed by Netanyahu’s quick response. As well as his inability to maintain interest in the agenda of the right-wing, as he quickly pivoted to worrying about his ballroom and trip to visit the Royals in Britain. It was immediately fascinating – though unsurprising – seeing the American right-wing, immediately start speaking about the Left wanting to start a civil war. Everyone had their theories and statements prepared rather quickly on the Right.

It was the worst theatre I have ever seen, including Ben Shapiro being publicly owned by someone with as much hubris as Bill Maher. What I noticed is, the Right were quick to point fingers, not to mourn the fallen. Charlie was immediately being turned into a symbol before anyone had even digested anything yet. That was immediately suspicious. Then, I saw Erika Kirk’s statement for Charlie Kirk, which was strangely polished. I need to be perfectly clear. I do not expect everyone to show their grief the same, nor do I think not crying disqualifies someone from grief. I am actually someone who doesn’t cry in the height of trauma. I am more likely to cry when I am in a safer place. In the middle of some fuckery, I will be so calm it scares everyone around me. I need to preface that, and remind you of my meta-empathy and psychic abilities.

When I watched Erika Kirk’s statement, I paid attention to language, tone and inflection first. She was modulating her voice in a way that read as her trying to guide the viewer’s experience, rather than as a gut reaction. I noticed it when she would choke and wipe her nose, versus when she would get riled up and tell people to rise up. I noticed how many times she redirected people to the family business – Turning Point USA. The general energy was actually quite aligned with other right-wing commentators and politicians who were immediately weaving a narrative, as opposed to letting it all unfold as we all should be when someone is assassinated so publicly and so ‘suddenly’.

Lastly with her video – apart from the perfect aesthetic appearance – her tone changed to indicate she was crying, but I didn’t see her cry. Unfortunately for me, I have experienced so many people in my real life who have tried to manipulate me from tears. Specifically crocodile tears. There’s a difference between the tone and facial expressions someone makes when they are trying to stay strong and hold back tears, in comparison with someone actively modulating their voice to signal sadness. Now, it is important to note, that she COULD have felt pressured to play into the ‘right’ emotional expression, as a Christian wife of someone the Right is actively trying to martyr. The plot wouldn’t work, if she came across as unbothered or even numb. And trust me, being numb to grief is perfectly normal.

Now when you do something that obviously performative, that most people who watch it end up leaving more uncomfortable than sad, that’s the bit that grabs my attention. Now, I feel free as a non-American citizen to tell my mostly US audience, how this appears to be – as someone outside of your sociopolitical climate. You never have to take my word for it, simply engage with this information and see if it feels right to you. Even go play the video after you read this and tell me what your human lie detector says. I am not saying she lied about anything outright, but my unfiltered thought at the end of that video was, did Erika know or suspect what would happen to Charlie?

Logically, she may have because he really did have contentious opinions, no matter the spin they are trying to make now. Charlie Kirk has been mentioned in numerous manifestos by name, for anyone believing the lies that he was a ‘moderate Republican’. That is an outright lie and revisionist history. Charlie wasn’t a moderate, but I would bet my bottom dollar, he never expected to go out like this or this young. Of course being me, I have already communed with Spirit about Charlie and had his soul come forward. For now, let me not overwhelm you let me just let you follow my train of thought and the way my brain works.

So then I hear, that Erika was crowdfunding post his death and last I hears about a week ago now, she had raised $5M. I assume it is more now. Considering their net worth is $12M, I find that to be an interesting play. Though I am aware crowdfunding is much more normal as a part of American culture, than it is for us here Down Under. I associate crowdfunding with a desperate need for financial assistance, to alleviate financial burdens and not to support a movement. She doesn’t need that money, and it will definitely be supporting Turning Point USA. It’s all about mythologising Charlie, and pushing more Christian bigotry into the American consciousness.

Erika to me, broke one of the tenets of Christian White Supremacy. She showed up on the national stage, with a performance of grief that left a lot of men especially, completely spooked. She was posting herself giving him a medal while holding the hand of his corpse in a coffin. I have never in my life seen someone post a corpse of their loved one before. I would like to think that isn’t emblematic of American culture. I watched her throw herself over his coffin, in an expression of grief. Yet, what did I see in the comment sections of these videos? Men especially asking themselves if they died, is this what their wife would do? And that question… is a dangerous one for the movement she is trying to carry on her shoulders now.

Especially in comparison to Candace Owens. Yes, the Candace Owens who sold out her heritage in favour of a right-wing pay check, showed genuine care for Charlie Kirk’s humanity. I can fault Candace for many things, including how she has weaponised her intelligence for the wrong reasons, but I cannot fault her for the way she has eulogised Charlie Kirk. Many of us watched his tribute and maybe even forgot how many racist, homophobic and transphobic statements Charlie made when he was alive. She reminded me that behind the parroted bigotry was just a young man, trying to make a name for himself like the heroes he grew up looking up to. She humanised him, and she has responded in a way we would all want our friends or even our lovers to speak of us.

I am not the only one who noted that Candace’s response is what everyone expected of Erika, instead of the performance and the rally-cry that sounded like it was made to stoke the flames of tension toward a Civil War. Now if you follow what Candace has done, she has done something both excellent and dangerous. By casting doubt on the so-called tight relationship between Charlie and Bibi Netanyahu’s relationship – as it pertains to the letter Netanyahu said Charlie wrote to him – she made Netanyahu respond in a very reactionary way. She mentioned the letter, he came out stating he didn’t kill Charlie Kirk. On a technicality, he has now overplayed his hand. Now, where people may not have felt suspicious before – they do now, based on just how quickly he has responded to both the assassination and now Candace’s comments.

Candace SHOULD be small peas to someone like Netanyahu. Also as a Prime Minister, I would assume he would be too busy to be this conversational about what is happening in America. If that is not suspicious, I don’t know what is. This is just logic speaking, but you let yourself form your own conclusions. What this entire situation has shown me, is the American Right are forming factions based on their stances on Israel, in a way we have never seen before. It is no longer a clear delineation that the Right support Israel. Now we have a lot of right-wingers, moving a little Centrist and that is HUGE. That is IMPORTANT and the American Left should be capitalising on this and welcoming the change.

They need to let the Right eat themselves from the inside out, something I believe to already be in motion. Any movement predicated on control tactics, will eventually falter and it doesn’t necessarily need intervention. For those who want to track this landscape the way I do, I say to pay attention to the likes of Nick Fuentes, a Hispanic White Supremacist. I believe this is an opportunistic human being, who shifts the goal posts fluidly so he can silently outlast everyone. To see him denounce Charlie Kirk’s assassination, wasn’t about denouncing gun violence – as we know how much the Right love their guns – but a realisation that if they are going to stoke the flames of Civil War, he might be next. He could be sacrificed too as a symbol or worse, be killed by the other side in retaliation.

Now that we know the shooter’s inscriptions on the bullet casings were consistent with far-right ideology. And though the Right say he was radicalised in his one semester of Uni by the Left, it is clear which side is publicly pro-violence and pro-guns. That’s not even up for debate. These are the things I have been pondering. Excavating my own life, and every person whoever falsely believed that I would just swallow injustice. Mapping every person in my life whoever wanted me to co-sign their delusions.

The young Thando who hugged her knees tight while having existential ponderings to the trees and the wind. Wondering if one day I would feel true love. If one day, someone would tell me I was doing enough. That I didn’t need to go out of my way to prove I am lovable. That I am worthy of being treated with love and respect. Instead, I have always been the most reliable person I have. I have loved myself into the person I am today, without help from the outside world.  Now I write to liberate others of their own thought-prisons. Of the need to be liked and win approval. I personally would rather be misunderstood than perform grief on the public stage as badly as Erika Kirk has. I would rather be called difficult, than sell my people out like Candace Owens has.

What is happening on the American stage right now is Uranus in Gemini in action. Words and intellect are being used to further agendas. We have Trump trying to do away with free speech but on the positive end, it means words and intellect will be where the Revolution begins. Also your local neighbourhoods, make sure to c are and protect each other in those communities. So please accept this as my offering to that very Revolution. Don’t allow yourself to be so bogged down, you stop paying attention to who benefits from anything that happens on a public stage. Nothing is ever isolated, everything is part of a broader lattice. When you train yourself to see it, you can never unsee it. May everyone reading this post improve their discernment, and may we defeat tyranny. One blog post at a time. Asé.