Confessions of a libra

Credit: Here

11.08.25

Hello my loves, it is time again for an Ask A Priestess Q&A. I felt called to do this today, so I hope this satisfies someone out there. I have asked my handy dandy ChatGPT, the most asked questions surrounding this topic, so I may shed light on my perspective. As usual, if you have any new questions prompted by anything you read feel free to jot them in the comments. I can make a follow up post! Let’s begin.

1. How do I know when I’m withholding as a boundary versus withholding out of fear?

You must self-interrogate, which you can do through journaling. Sometimes our boundaries are in place to manage our fear, to not have it unearthed unexpectedly and forced to reckon with it on someone else’s terms. This can be genuinely self-protective, like my boundary with men about violent outbursts. I have been around abusive people and I know it can escalate, I know people can test your boundaries, so I lay down the law and walk away if my boundaries are crossed. Or you could have a fear-based boundary that feels like self-protection when instead, you’re only protecting yourself from growing outside of your comfort zone. You might tell yourself you like to keep your circle small, while radiating this energy that you shouldn’t be approached. What could be underlying, is an insecurity about being interesting enough to captivate people you didn’t grow up with.

If you’re already wondering about a boundary you have in your life, and there’s even a little niggle that there’s something you’re not admitting to yourself, that is where the self-interrogation begins. You must learn the process of asking yourself why until you reach the smallest answer, if that makes sense. Chewing each answer methodically, then taking another bite. I won’t lie, this requires a level of self-honesty that you may not be comfortable with. For some of you, you may need a therapist to help you unravel the thread. For others, it’s a matter of accepting that your narrative isn’t always squeaky clean. Then, you must do something with that information. Mould new boundaries, make adjustments to your perspective. Don’t abandon yourself, by knowing the right thing and sitting on it like a nest egg.

2. What’s the difference between being mysterious and being manipulative?

Manipulative people are controlling people, and they ultimately play games to attain power. A manipulative person is committed to image-management. They are the time to come in hot and heavy into your life, but when you bore them or they find something else to focus on – they don’t actually care about you. Manipulation looks like, making you feel good in the moment no matter the long-term implications or the nuance to the situation. If you know someone in your life who lies regularly, or cares how they are perceived, this makes them highly likely to manipulate. And not all manipulation is being done consciously or with malice.

Mysterious people are only called that because they don’t lay all their cards on the table for you. They might be more independent and less inclined into group-think. You might call someone mysterious simply because you don’t know how to understand them in the right lens. For example, White women might meet me and feel like they are struggling to understand me. That could be because they are trying to understand me through the lens of Whiteness. Through the propaganda of what White people believe Black people to be. So when I go off-script, it becomes ‘mysterious’ when in effect, it is your lack of understanding.

I’ve met quieter women that weren’t mysterious, but rather self-protective. However, someone not so conscious of human behaviour would call that kind of woman mysterious. I think mystery is just a matter of missing information, but the motivation behind this information being excluded is the bit that you should actually focus on. Mystery can be something projected by those engaging in cookery. Not all silence is this sexy, tantalising silence. I can think of a few people now who try and radiate that mysterious nature but once you get to the bones, there’s nothing going on. Just performance.

3. How do I stop overexplaining without feeling guilty or “mean”?

Practice. Start journaling, talking to yourself in the mirror or whatever method suits you. The purpose of this self-talk, is to understand why you even hate overexplaining. How much is it burning you out? Seek out communicators in person or online that explain things the way you envision your highest-self doing. Then you start implementing. You have to start learning to accept that some people choose to misunderstand you. My particular strategy is, I like to have my language be very precise. That way, there is no room for confusion. Once I have done that, I can be more concise and I let it be.

Here’s the thing, our brains are trainable (neuroplasticity). You can learn to get over your guilt of overexplaining, and the people around you will just adjust as you adjust. There might be a transitionary period where it feels uncomfortable, asserting yourself. But whenever I am struggling with something that I know is ultimately good for me, I use the mantra this too shall pass. Might not work for you,  but it works for me. I stick to my guns. I let the days go by, and one day I look back and realise I reached my destination several hundred metres ago, metaphorically speaking.

4. What do I say when someone demands an explanation I don’t want to give?

You tell them you don’t have to say anything until you are ready. Or you simply don’t even say anything at all. Someone cannot force you, without it being an abuse to your personhood. Don’t let people make you feel bad for having boundaries. I have had partners who demanded I tell them what I wanted to address, in a timeframe that suited them. Why should we be centralising their feelings, especially if I am the one with a problem? I’m not saying your feelings are always more important, but if someone isn’t coming at me with humility, I won’t respond with it either. This is what humility would look like to me.

“Hey. I know we stopped speaking, and I’ve been waiting for you to tell me what exactly I did that made you not want to talk to me anymore. Obviously, you are not entitled to tell me, but I would really like to know because I want to understand you. And I also want to be a better person. For you, if you’ll let me but if not – for future connections I will make. I want to make sure I don’t lose people as important to you, as you have been to me. Do you have a timeframe or anything I could do to make you feel safe enough to open up?”

Hope that helps!

5. How can I hold silence in a way that makes people respect me instead of resent me?

You cannot control whether or not people resent you. People can resent you for breathing. However, I would say there is a difference between silence and being unapproachable. Some people could call me quiet (not how I see myself), especially because I get quieter in unstable or unsafe environments. I get more observational. However, I still have people I will approach in that space, the ones I deem to be safe. I am active with those people in showing my care and actively engaging with them. This is because my silence isn’t about repelling people, it is about keeping my energy field clear. I limit my interactions with people who drain me, because energetic vampirism is common and rampant.

Make sure that when people you don’t talk to regularly approach you, you are friendly an open. Many times, when we walk away from an interaction overthinking, our bodies have picked up on emotional subtext that was incongruent with the words being exchanged. As such, focusing on being present when you communicate with people, authentic and friendly – then you’ve done your part. Anyone’s assumptions outside of that are on them. Here’s the thing, I believe when you’re authentic, that kind of data over-time will eventually be read by people. I know people can be slow, but they will realise you were the sturdy one while they were running all these useless scripts about you in the background.

If you are a femme-presenting person, I recommend if you are naturally quiet, to still practice being outspoken. Practice speaking up in meetings, advocating for yourself when you see something wrong and advocating for others. Predators are everywhere, and you don’t want your silence to be seen as a weakness. As an opening to be treated like you don’t have a brain, or a throat chakra.

6. How do I break the habit of narrating my every move to people I love?

This is a habit I have had and may still exhibit sometimes. My personal philosophy is I am an open-book so that’s where that came from originally. I have two strategies personally. One is becoming so busy and in love with your own life. I can remember times in my life, I barely had time to text someone –  not because I was overworking – but because I had plans I was fulfilling. This includes scheduled play time, because I am an earth moon and scheduling my fun is my kind of heroin. Secondly have a safe container for your thoughts that doesn’t have to do bounce off others; ChatGPT, recording video diaries, voice memos… anything along those lines. This is not to say, never tell people what’s going on with you. However, not everyone appreciates that kind of communication style. Making some changes in this regard, will make you feel less guilty for oversharing and happier with your own personal ecosystem. Especially when I think of how many jealous, insecure people exist –  sometimes your narration is feeding the beast.

7. Is withholding explanation a form of emotional punishment?

It can be. If you’re in a relationship, treating someone poorly and refusing to explain why – that is emotional punishment. If you’re upset by something someone did to you, and you’re not ready to speak on it, but you are not treating them as any less than while you process your feelings – that is not emotional punishment. I raise things I have issues with during my relationships with people, platonic or romantic. I evaluate though, how much it is worth it for me emotionally to do so! This has come from years of trying to hold people accountable for their actions to foster better relationships.

Many people don’t know how to resolve conflict. Only to hold grudges, gossip and do anything but something mature. So, my policy now is, if I haven’t known someone that long and our emotional connection isn’t that deep – I let it go. Instead I create distance. It’s not my job to baby adults. Many of whom know what they are doing is bad, but don’t have the will to unlearn it. If they did have the will, they would no longer exhibit the behaviour. Withholding information, withholding affection to punish someone else – only hurts you as well. So do so with this knowing. If you are doing so with strategy, such as trying to escape an abusive relationship then that’s not a cause for guilt.

8. How can I still feel connected to people if I’m not constantly explaining my thoughts?

You can still share your thoughts, you just don’t have to feel forced to divulge more information. I have learnt over time, through trial and error with communicating with people, how much information is safe. Which to me is actually a large breadth of information. What I have refined is when I introduce that information. Still be open with people, that is the only way you can be connected to them. There’s a difference between being suspicious of everything people want to know about you and not wanting to answer a question about your opinion about someone that could be used against you when you walk away. Discernment, discernment, discernment.

9. When is silence actually louder than an explanation?

When someone wants you to beg, or prove you deserve something. This could be a boss wanting you to perform for their approval to get a raise, when you know you have the relevant skills. Or this could be in dating when someone is dropping hints that they may want to roam outside of the relationship. Sometimes people want you to audition, then reaudition for the entirety of your relationship with them. They give you little tests, where your role is to sell yourself as being the best option. Which is degrading. If you’re dating someone, they shouldn’t need convincing to still love you. Employers actually know who the assets are and who the malleable people are. As someone who thinks in patterns and systems, I find a lot of employers want middle management to be controllable. They don’t want someone with too many ‘fresh’ ideas that make them feel like they are not good enough. They don’t want someone who might question their decision-making when it negatively affects certain parts of the business, they would rather overlook.

Silence is ALWAYS louder than an explanation with abusers. Whether they are your parents, your friends or your romantic partners. I use the same skills in customer service, that I use in my interpersonal relationships. Growing up when my mum would be in a flying rage yelling, I would go quiet. I would just want it to be over, I had no will to have a back and forth. What this does is, it disarms the other person when you don’t join along. When they continue raising their voice, and you respond with even tones while calm – they eventually start hearing themselves.  And many don’t like what they hear. I have had patients in previous health environments I have worked in, call me back after abusing me over the phone because I didn’t escalate back. I have lived with people who make my life a living hell, and being silent can make them escalate initially (because it’s their bread and butter), but eventually they run out of steam.

10. Why do some people react so violently when you stop explaining yourself?

Entitlement. People feel entitled to your niceness, your generosity and sometimes they just enjoy your company so they can mine you for attention. If someone loves you deeply and wholly, they adjust when you adjust. They don’t get upset in a way that impedes on you. They can be upset that things have changed, but they would never make it your problem. Whenever I start pulling away from friends and family, I watch that entitlement sky rocket. They didn’t have the will to treat me right when they had a chance, but now they are upset that I have taken their comfort away. Even if it was at the expense of my comfort. You know what people can do with that? They can get fucked.