Confessions of a libra

Conscious Love | Credit: Here

03.08.25

Consider me to be your practical cupid, here to shoot you with conscious codes for sacred love. As someone with a lot of Jupiter aspects in my chart, I have a very strong moral code which I apply to everything. As a Libra Sun, I was born loving love for its own sake. I have taken both these qualities and my penchant to study the things I care about thoroughly (Virgo Mercury), and created an unofficial guide for approaching my romantic relationships.

I treat my vessel and my own needs as something that is worth giving my best to, as such this translates into relationships. It makes a difference how someone sees themselves. I once thought I could love someone through a low self-esteem. That through modelling my own love for self, my own refusal to lean on bullshit excuses so as not to progress in love – I could encourage better self-love. I have been disabused of this notion several times. If you want to be a better lover, firstly start taking accountability for yourself and your decisions.

I believe love can conquer many things, but self-esteem is not one of them. That is something that should be worked on by the individual separate to the relationship, even if this means actively being in therapy. Having been in a relationship with one man with a pretty severely low self-esteem and had one close friend who exhibited the same qualities – instead of feeling inspired they feel threatened. They try to tear you down, and use all the silly childish skills in their repertoire as they emotionally mine you for sympathy. People who embrace their low self-esteem, especially the ones who say they know they have this problem, but aren’t actively working on it – are as dangerous to you as they are to themselves. Those self-destructive patterns they have can be turned on you, so fucking quick. They also might lie in therapy to preserve their own victimhood narrative, it’s a hot mess.

Communication is the most important aspects of any relationship. This cannot be underestimated. Romantically and platonically, many people are worse communicators than they believe. Firstly, if you do not have a strong moral compass and don’t really care about whether or not you lie – you are a terrible communicator. When I start talking to someone who may end up being a partner, my aim is to learn as much as I can about the other person. Not pretending I want to know them so I can change them. I am genuinely collecting data. I want to understand your family tree and the hereditary health issues you inherit from both family lines. I want to know about your childhood and what shaped you. Your childhood dreams, hopes and successes. Knowing about people’s childhood, helps me understand them better as a grown adult.

I can tell a lot about the kind of temperament you have, the kind of vitality you have just from your stories. I want to know everything that helped build you, so it minimises confusion when you throw a tantrum or when your needs aren’t met. I ask about previous relationships and I want to know everything. I tend to learn everything about my partner’s past. They usually tell me because they know I won’t hold it against them. I don’t ask so I can sit around being jealous or comparing myself. This is more data collection. Like I have told you in a previous blog post, I have been honest with exes if I thought they had previously been broken up with for good reason. I am loyal to the truth, if you couldn’t stand that level of honesty, you couldn’t stand to be in a relationship with me. If you have a fragile ego, that wants to be stroked because you exist, or because you are a man – then go where you are wanted, boo.

The standard in my romantic relationships is transparency. And when you do not give it, I receive it anyway. Most men don’t lie to me outright, the ones who think they are clever have lied to me by omission. My ancestors don’t play that game, so suddenly I’m up at night investigating while you’re asleep. What is even the point of these kinds of games? This transparency tends to lead to things like phone passwords and pins being shared. It is normal in my relationships for me to have access to my partner’s phone and vice versa. I give my information with the understanding that you will respect my privacy. That you will take only what you need when you need, and I operate in the same way. The only time I had someone try to encroach on my privacy was that insecure Gemini and never again. There’s no amount of letting an insecure person into your most sacred places that will anchor them in reality.

I don’t go into people’s phones for fun. I have gone into their phones on intuitive hunches, and in those moments I have always found something suspicious and worth addressing. Speaking of, men out there who do not scrub their phones of nostalgic and erotic images with their ex before trying to engage with a new person – that shit is so fucking disgusting to me. Why are you keeping a museum of your love with another person in your phone, while trying to engage romantically again? If you’re so addicted to this person, and you cannot face moving on then don’t you DARE try to sleep with someone else or get with someone else. You are simply not ready. Relationships come and relationships go. There is 0 need to hold onto old relics of times past. You’re a grown person. I have maybe kept photos relating to family events but never would I keep a ‘dick pic’of a man I claim to no longer love.

For women out there, I want you to be hypervigilant of men keeping secret folders of nudes from their exes. If you see or hear of your current partner doing something like that, you tell them to delete it or you walk. That is fucking predatory ass behaviour and there is no excuse for it. Are you that desperate to see a nude woman, that you have to keep images of people you once knew? Ones whom, if we called up right now would probably vomit at the thought that you were keeping those photos in the first place?! Come on now! Do NOT accept this kind of bullshit.

I had an ex-friend in her 30’s at an old workplace. Lovely, competent multidimensional woman, who was married to this beast of a man who was found upskirting random girls in public. Him and his little friend. Their marriage didn’t last the scandal, but she stayed a little longer than I would have been able to stomach. You cannot look at your man the same, this provider/protector archetype once you see them debase themselves to do something so yuck. Men’s desperation for nudity and sex can be grotesque.

My next tenet of love, would be about promises and time. When you are in a relationship with someone, you need to value their time like you value your own. This means, if you promise to be somewhere at a particular time, be there at that time. When you can no longer do so, you communicate that right away. No excuses, no putting it off until later because they will understand. I will pivot if you show me that you cared about my experience, and even that you cared that you may have disappointed my expectations. If you treat my time callously, you have added a black mark against your name. Now I will hyperfixate on this issue and likely have to bring it up to you when I am more calm for a discussion. If you don’t want to be having those discussions every other day, then you make sure you can illustrate that my time is just as important as yours.

I detest false promises with all my being. Firstly, when men give me false promises, it reminds me of my dad. The first man to ever overpromise to me and underdeliver. And I don’t talk to that man, because I have no time for him. So you shouldn’t want to be aligning yourself with his actions. I am very honest about this with every partner I have. I am not putting my trauma onto you, but I am informing you how you can contribute to my negative experiences and how not to do so if you give a fuck like you claim to. Loving someone to me, is about knowing all the pressure points and actively strategising on how not to press those. Actively doing things that would soothe their nervous system, kisses their inner child and provides safety to their heart. When you say things like, ‘I was gonna buy you flowers…’ to me, that shit enrages me. Okay, and? I was going to have sex with you… Do you see how silly that sounds?

It should be common and expected for both parties to be facilitating ritual acts of care. Everyone in the equation whether it be two or more people should always be conscious of reciprocation. You don’t have to be exact and say oh they did something today now I am doing something tomorrow. But you need to be that conscious of how much is being done both ways. It’s the only way you ensure you’re pulling your weight. If you are enjoying being on the receiving end of a partner who enjoys spoiling whether that be through quality time or gift giving, and you never think about what you can do to facilitate ease and joy for your partner – you will eventually become a burden on said partner.

You do not need to spoil someone in the same ways for it to be equal. You learn what things would make your partner feel spoiled. For you it might be every time they choose to spend a night in, where you do something together, you feel spoiled. For your partner it might be when you pack them lunch for work. You take something they find to be a nuisance, but you do it with love and care. It could make them feel more at home in you. There should be no judgement as to what makes the other person happy, only facilitation. I have sat through Star Wars movies I didn’t care for, or the Hobbit movies which are excruciatingly long, all in the name of love. Yet do you know how many of those men resisted watching Twilight back as an exchange? Yet, I held my ground. That’s what compromise looks like.

We enjoy each other’s things. I will learn to find enjoyment in your activities and I expect the same. Too many men believe it is in their rights to receive this level of attention from women, attention they wouldn’t even demand of their boys. This is because of patriarchy making men believe they deserve the best of everything. That women must find it fulfilling to be ever-pouring into a man’s chalice. Never once making room to pour back into hers. Disgusting. We need to be able to have joint goals on multiple levels. If I live with a man, down to the domestic setup I enjoy having goals of what we are going to achieve. It’s not about the goals being the best out of everyone, but it’s about the goals being mutual and serving us as a team.

I very much think of relationships as teamwork. When we make decisions they must be in service of the team. If it disadvantages any of the team-mates, it must be discussed at length and an understanding must be reached from both sides. There should be no confusion. I want to know what your next few career moves are, I’ll tell you what my next creative projects are and how much time they require out of me. Then we discuss anything we are doing together, we understand why we are doing it so we know where we are going. In my relationships, I try to remove as much ambiguity as possible. I want us to be squeaky clean. If we were out at dinner and someone was to interrogate us about any aspect of our lives, I expect us to be prepared for this unlikely event.

Your authenticity in a relationship is non-negotiable. If you are with me, I will know when you lie. I will know when your stories don’t make sense. Even if I don’t out you right away if I am trying to calm down, or collecting more evidence. Many have always wondered why I overlooked them over the years. Sometimes my intuition just tells me you wouldn’t be able to withstand the integrity with which I live. When we kiss, when we touch, I want to feel you soften and give in to me every time. I’m not big on PDA probably because I am an African. I could spend all night at an event not kissing my partner. Maybe sitting together or holding hands. It’s not a lack of attraction, I just don’t need to perform my attraction to my partner for others to see.

Whether publicly or privately, when I do turn my attention to my partner, I expect an equal response in most environments. That whole thing where my partner tries to act cool in front of the boys? Yeah, that won’t fly with me. If you want to do that, you are now risking the equilibrium in this relationship for other people’s comfort and that will not fly. Expect a discussion when we get home. As a Taurus moon, I enjoy a slow but consistently growing connection at the beginning when I like someone. I don’t want to be rushed, but I don’t ever want to be confused as to if you still want me. When it comes to Earth sign and Water sign men, I find them to slow in thinking about what they want. Shit or get off the pot. You either want me or you don’t.

Once we’ve established you do, then we take our time building a connection. Texting, talking, going out on dates and deepening the emotional connection as a priority. My Leo Venus makes me really good at identifying people I have good sexual chemistry with. Unlike my beliefs when I was religious, I definitely would rather have sex with you before we formalise a relationship, at least once. I need to know not only do we have base level sexual compatibility but are you someone I could work with to improve it. If we sleep together and it’s a 7 at best, do I believe you have the will to bring it up to 10? If I think you do, then I can work with the rest. I need to know that you can take instruction, that you can listen to my body and that you make adjustments based on my moans. These things, also point to someone who is a good communicator which we have already discussed to be an attractive trait.

When I am dating you I am seeing the God in you. Anyone who has dated me will know, that my energy rouses the best version of you to come forward. Which is why when I look back at my dating history, when I realise that was the best they could give me, it is very sobering. Being loved by me is an experience you will never forget. Ask my ex whose eczema was healed under my care, whose asthma I was managing like his personal nurse, whose holidays I helped fund out of sheer love. I have loved men through familial displacement, seizures, daddy issues, neurodivergence, joblessness… you name it!

I have even been clowned for being someone who would date men with chronic illnesses or neurodivergence. My ideas about love transcend a lot of these earthly parameters. I could love someone from any background if I felt their love to be true. I think putting so many parameters on love is sincerely very shallow, which is why I can’t be hypergamous. I like the idea, but I would never sacrifice love to marry an old man I didn’t love in the hopes he dies and leaves me his fortune. My big heart and expansive definitions of love is why I am open to open relationships and polyamory. I don’t see these ideas to be negative to society at all, especially when conducted with full transparency and good communication.

My big heart is also why I am pro-fostering children and pro-adoption. I am looking forward to being an adoptive mother one day. I don’t need someone to be of my blood to see them as worthy of pouring into. Family is what you make of it. That is why finding the right partner(s) is insanely important. The person you tie your life to, becomes family. Do you want that family to be something you love or just tolerate? These are the things to ponder in your own romantic life. Last thing I want to address is courting. If you asked anyone who has ever dated me, we definitely court before we date. Courting to me isn’t about expensive dinners but it’s about intentionality. I want to see that you care about me and my wellbeing not just my physicality.

I want to see what actions you take, how often and if they marry up to things I have said. I am impressed by men who are better able to listen than talk, ones who take over logistical things so my mind can switch off, men who create safe spaces for my softness and men who do exactly what they say they will. There is a sacred exchange that comes with courting. While you fulfil your chivalrous end of the bargain, I will be feeding the flames of our courtship with my femininity. You will see it in the way I graciously accept your offerings, in the way that I make room for your stories, and ask you more questions about your hobbies and dreams. I love when men are super spatially aware in the beginning. I want you to touch me with your mind before your body. I want to feel the respect you have for me in your body language. I want to feel the request in your cells before your hands even land on my skin.

When a man is principled, and has that much self-control, it honestly rouses an erotic hunger within me. I want those moments on the couch where as we talk, our bodies get closer and closer until their touching. And even then as we talk and the electricity is in the air, it gets tense. We both look at each other, we want to kiss but who will give in first? And if you ask, for the honour of laying your lips upon mine? I will graciously accept, before devouring you – with your permission. Every move we make must be in worship of the vessels, we hope to ravage – with love. To the ones who can match my frequency; may you be bold enough to approach, soft enough to stay and wise enough to know you’ve also been chosen. I am not waiting. I am expanding. Come as you are, or don’t cum at all.