Confessions of a libra

Softness with teeth | Credit: Here

22.07.25

Submission isn’t weak or less than. Submission is a conscious relinquishing of power to the worthy. It is an act of trust and trust should never be given lightly. Yes submission can be harmful, especially in religious contexts where it begins to erode one party’s (the woman) rights to conscious participation. That’s when it becomes oppression. Despite how the words domination and submission sound, it is best to think of them as equal. To enter into a conscious Dom/Sub relationship involves discussing terms.

Honestly, this should just be applied anywhere sex is involved across the board. Subs have just as much right to state terms and preferences for how they like to be dominated. This works both ways. Submission without having all the relevant information, or under false pretence of worth, or wherein you are in danger for having an opinion, is just subjugation. Submission is not a one-size fits all. It can look like being a service Sub, who gets off on being useful. Think acts of service like; organising toys, preparing drinks and generally facilitating ease for the dom. This is someone who gets off on devotion and utility.

Then you have a brat, like myself. The joy and pleasure is derived from testing boundaries, creating tension and submission that aims for correction. There’s this need the sub has of being won over by the dominant. You can be a pain slut, who thrives off of transcendence through pain. This is perfect for anyone who likes impact play, needle play, knife play and even clamps. Through pain one expresses their devotion. You can be a primal prey/pet who wants to be hunted down by the raw force of the Dominant. You want to be chased, tackled, held down in that pure feral energy. Whether you exist within these category or your style of submission doesn’t even meet these criteria, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is picking a Dom/Domme who thrives on your brand of submission and wants to add more colour to your world. Someone who respects your wants, needs and boundaries. Debriefing about the rules of engagement, is imperative to the success of this union.

True submission is about nervous system regulation, trust and altered stated. That’s the scientific perspective, that as we surrender we shift the body from the sympathethic system that rules fight or flight to the parasympathetic which rules rest to digestion processes. When we give in, our breaths should deepen, our heart rates will slow and oxytocin is released. A Dom/Domme can be a co-regulator of the Snervous system. Two things helped me be able to fully surrender to another during sex. One, was feeling a combination of hunger from my partner mixed with respect. A dangerous cocktail for me. The other was continuing to develop a self-pleasure relationship with myself. Something I found to be quite hard and unfulfilling for at least the first 5 years of my sexual journey.

As a result, having sex with me now looks like, me self-regulating to lean into the pleasure. You will likely see me at some point, intentionally deepening my breath which allows me to be better able to ‘take it’. I can stretch past the initial instinct to move because of the accumulated sensations, and just let the pleasure ride my body like a wave. This is something I do even when I am by myself, giving myself multiple orgasms (because that is the standard for every session for me).

Spiritually submission is about the discipline that can be found through vulnerability. It is a ritual of trust, where the fear of the unknown – the fear of the Dominant’s choices that guide the experience – is transmuted into ecstasy. You are simulating having an ego death, by allowing someone else that power. So long as there is mutual trust, care and respect then spiritually having sex with someone compatible in this way, will elevate you both energetically. Whether we are looking at it scientifically or spiritually, you are less likely to receive positive outcomes if you do not prioritise nervous system safety during sex. The Dominant must make it their job to upkeep the temple.

Many of you have been sold the idea that submission is entirely passive. As a brat, my style of submission requires active participation. I am turned on by the idea of wanting to make my Dom lose control. I like throwing curveballs, and getting an immediate response. Whether than be pain, pleasure or a mixture of both. Instead of saying yes, I’ll say maybe because it’s so infuriating. I personally am a biter, so I will bite to play or claim my Dom in return. I have been known to dress well-enough for polite company, while still teasing my Dom. Being able to strategically bend over with little, to no underwear when no one’s looking, or strategically rub against the Dom while everyone’s distracted, is exactly my kind of fuel. I love destabilising my person erotically, as a form of powerplay. Brats thrive off of push-pull dynamics.

Submission doesn’t equate to degradation, though there is nothing wrong with it being your kink. I personally like to have my body treated with reverence every time, but definitely not doing anything rough unless I know you are safe. That you can be trusted, that you aren’t rushing to show me reverence as a stepping stone to what you really want. I need to know that you drink up all of my essence, every time and are nothing by grateful. Otherwise, why should I share my body with you? You can have anyone else. You can have someone who doesn’t care how their body is thrashed around. Submission can be a way of life. You can devote yourself to living in the ecstasy that comes from a permanent arrangement with someone you adore. It can become your soul’s language, you can sprinkle it into many different areas of your life. Whether you keep it strictly relegated to the bedroom or not, all is holy.

Outside of the bedroom, I think it’s important to learn to submit for multiple reasons. Firstly, as I always state to be a good leader you must be a good follower. Sometimes I find submission to be strategic, especially as a domineering woman in a patriarchal world. I know how men’s brains work and if I make a suggestion they aren’t ready for yet, I will defer back to their leadership. Not because it is better, but because the hierarchy already exists and sometimes you catch more flies with honey. While I like being an outspoken woman in a world that wants women to put up and shut up, not every day is a battle. Sometimes, submission to me is about removing the mental load. Even if I believe intrinsically in my leadership being better. It’s just impossible for the world to contort to one person’s ideals. So when those times arise, I take a step back and hold onto someone’s lapels metaphorically speaking.

Submission is a chess game because you can defer your power in the moment, and strategise on soft ways to draw attention back to your wants and ideas. You can implant the idea in the Dom’s head and make the idea theirs. This can be applied, across the board. Submission removes both decision fatigue and dissolves hypervigilance. The strongest people crave surrender because they already have a lot on their plate. Now they need everything stripped back to the basics. Primary decisions out of the way with the occasional options presented under strict conditions. It is entirely erotic to someone who bears the weight of the world. A good mantra for Submissives coming into greater self-acceptance is, ‘I’m not made small by kneeling. I am made infinite by trust’.

There is one more submissive element I would like to explore that is not always talked about publicly, especially outside of polyam spaces. There is a thing called compersion, which is pleasure derived from watching your partner receive pleasure from others. Compersion is about de-centring your possessiveness and allowing the raw intimacy you witness to magnetise you. I never realised I wasn’t a particularly jealous person until I had a foursome with an ex-partner.

Watching him enjoy himself with the other girl in the party, wasn’t something that disgusted me or put me off. Instead, I felt warm in my chest and was excited that I could witness his pleasure. That I was a part of the decision-making that facilitated said pleasure. Compersion is an act of spiritual submission. That you care enough about someone’s pleasure to bypass earthly rules and regulations. It can feel wrong, when everything from our media to books glorifies possessiveness as a sexy trait. I personally like to play into possessiveness more than I enjoy actual possessiveness.

Compersion can be linked to things like cuckold or cuckquean kinks, which are much more charged with erotic degradation. The cuck of any gender is not only losing control, they have essentially lost their status. Yet it gives them plenty of joy to be set aside and made ornamental. To be ordered to watch or to provide cleanup. This is another type of submission that is often mocked, yet it is as valid as any other kink. As long as everyone is consenting and of age, we should be careful to be so loud admonishing other’s kinks. Or yucking people’s yums as I like to say. I always find it funny the politicians loudest about being anti-gay marriage, I always found to be having an affair with a male staffer or male sex worker. It’s important to remember, secure people don’t feel the need to talk down what they do not understand.

The act of surrender is a holy act. The act of relinquishing all measure of control over your decisions and environment is entirely liberating. It does not have to cause harm for it to be more impactful. The Sub doesn’t have to be mute unless it was pre-arranged. Being a Submissive is much more enjoyable once you lean into it and feel less guilt about it. You are allowed to want to call your partner Daddy or Mama and it will not make you any less of a person. Any less deserving of joy or respect. May you find someone who commands you with presence. May your surrender feel like a prayer, your obedience taste like freedom and your trust open gates to the holy. Asé.