Confessions of a libra

Credit: Here

01.07.25

Hello, my loves. Something I would like to use my platform for, is genuinely assisting people with mental blocks. As such, I have asked my handy-dandy ChatGPT to compile the most asked questions in Australia, America & the UK from women who are feeling less than self confident. Women have a lot to work through because of our socialisation, but I promise you it’s doable. You just need to commit to yourself. Commit to doing as much as you can, as often as you can to improve yourself – for yourself. It’s the best relationship you will ever have. Trust.

💘 On Worth & Comparison

1. Why do I constantly compare myself to other women, even when I know it’s toxic?

Socialisation. Women are trained nearly from birth to view each other as competition. In a patriarchal society that tells you that you are a second-class citizen, that your worth comes from your physical beauty and your ability to secure a man on your arm – other women become competitors. You are trained to look around for the prettiest woman in the room and sometimes it automatically makes you hate her. How dare she attract so much attention like she thinks she is all that? Yet, does it make you happy? I would be surprised if anyone who thinks this way was genuinely kind to themselves. What most people won’t tell you is, how you treat others is a direct reflection of how you treat yourself.

People meet me and think I have an agenda when I am kind or because they believe me to be physically attractive. I don’t have an agenda but for the insecure mind, you would never believe me. This tells me you lack self-trust. When you are well-rooted in yourself and your self-esteem, other people’s luminosity doesn’t dim your shine. The most self-confident women are often the most supportive. I love being around women who are; intelligent, beautiful, multi-talented, alternative, spiritual…you name it.

Now that we have discussed where it comes from and what it feels like when you aren’t insecure, let’s delve into what you can do. You have to decide that you are so sick of you own toxic patterns. If you are telling me, you recognise your own toxicity but you let yourself stew in it, that is unconscionable to me. When you aren’t good at something you practice until you are. I don’t like the saying, ‘fake it till you make it’. I think you practice your way into a new sense of self. So, look up shadow work questions surrounding jealousy and comparison. Then, evaluate your relationship with your mother.

Sometimes, our mothers are our first bullies and they teach us how to perpetuate harm. It sucks that sometimes we tell ourselves we will be nothing like them, but more often than not, we will adopt a lot of their beliefs. You can deprogram yourself from the beliefs your parent(s) passed down to you, just like you can with religion. Lastly, get into the habit of witnessing your thoughts. Next time you find yourself comparing. Take a step back. Stop the thought midway, and ask yourself why you can’t just be happy for someone else’s existence? Allow yourself a little self-interrogation. I find with self-development, logic normally wins me over (I’m an air sign lol so it might be different for you). If I realise that stewing in a toxic mindset is the most illogical option, I ditch it and pivot.

2. How do I stop needing external validation to feel beautiful or worthy?

Affirm yourself. Get into some mirror work. Look into your own eyes and tell yourself you are beautiful. I don’t think too that you always have to jump to love every part of yourself either. Sometimes it’s a really big leap, so I also recommend looking into body neutrality. I have touched on this before but for a decade of my life from about 14 to my early 20’s I just hated my stomach. I had oil splash on me and these hyperpigmentation marks that refused to go away (the joy of melanated skin), but I eventually got to a place where, I told myself it was just a stomach like any other. In my early 20’s I got a tattoo over that part and I think that pushed me into loving my stomach again.

An underrated tip is looking at the people in your family that you find beautiful and linking the traits they have to the traits that you have. I adore that my face is almost a replica of my mother’s. That’s history and ancestry baby. I have her crazy wide hips too. When I was a pree teen all I wanted was for my body to stop being stick-thin and grow curves. Then when I got them I felt self conscious, isn’t it funny. Eventually I realised how silly I was for letting people get in my head and change my mind about something I had always admired. This last tip is a Libran tip. If I see something beautiful I name it. Someone’s eyes, their pet, their skirt etc. People who know me in real life know that I am very complimentary. I think if you want to feel more beautiful, it helps to start recognising the beauty that already exists around you. That’s how you tune into the frequency of beauty until you radiate it from the inside out, as I do.

3. Why does rejection (even platonic) feel like a personal attack on my character?

You associate your worth on whether other people find you attractive or palatable. So, when you are rejected you receive it as, “you’re not good enough. You are ugly. You aren’t worth anything.” When you have these scripts running in your head, it’s hard to get out of that loop. Here’s the thing. It’s also kind of grandiose to believe everything that doesn’t work out that involves you is your fault. It centres you instead of another person’s experience/lived reality. Sometimes people don’t want to do things with you. Sometimes people don’t want to date you. Sometimes people don’t want to do the things you want to do at the time you want to do them.

When people reject me, I pivot. If I call a friend because I reeeally wanted to hang out with her, and she’s distractedly thinking about her boyfriend and is in no mood – I’ll find something else to occupy my time. You know what’s funny? When you learn to deal with rejection gracefully, you make people mad because sometimes people reject you because they want you on a hook. They are trying to keep you in a cycle of highs and lows. Learn to find ways to occupy your time when you get rejected. Find hobbies! As I said with the men, learn about rejection (exposure) therapy. Practice with intention, receiving rejection and letting it sit within you. Being rejected is not the end of the world.

4. Why do I feel like I have to earn love, even in long-term relationships?

Most things we can trace back to our upbringing. Many women in their familial relationships, feel like they have to perform to receive love. Perform affection that suits others. Perform docility. Perform being the responsible good girl. Learn as much as you can about attachment theory, psychosexual development or learn from therapists who make content online on small steps you can take. Knowledge is power, I cannot stress that enough. When we are too scared to learn about something we feel shame about or overwhelm, we inhibit growth. You cannot change, what you do not understand.

5. How do I stop feeling like I’m too much for people or not enough, all at once?

I used to feel like this. I could write a dissertation on all the ways people told me I was wrong. I was too loud, too confident, too intimidating, too smart, too up-myself, too selfish but also too giving… the list goes on. At some point, it was too much because I lost myself in the process. So, I made a commitment to myself to be whatever version of self I want and I feel like, and let everyone trip over themselves trying to explain it or change it. Many times, it also meant culling people. One thing I am unafraid to do is cut a bitch off and move on. Once I made the commitment to myself, to be myself for me first and foremost – other people are just background noise.

So when I meet people now in my late 20’s and they are still fighting hard to bully me into changing, I just look at them like a mother does to a toddler. You’re doing great sweetie. I’ve seen it all before. You can only gain that level of thick skin, when you decide that your integrity and personhood are more important than other people’s opinions. When you learn to let people laugh at you if they want, it’s actually freeing. I let them laugh and observe. Collect data and move on. You have to decide, or work towards with small meaningful steps – loving yourself without abandon. Let the rest of the world catch up on your standards. Or not. Either way, you won’t die.

🩹 On Body Image & Sexual Confidence

1. Why do I feel ashamed of my body even when others compliment it?

Could be a mixture of things. Firstly women have been sexualised for many of us since we were children. Coupled with religiosity, that could amplify bodily shame. I wasn’t more ashamed and uncomfortable in my body than when I was young and religious. I often say that I got cat called the most from around 13-16. When your body is constantly up for scrutiny, it’s not a comfortable feeling. From our mothers, to the media, to men –  it’s all a bit much. There is no shame in having a body. There is no shame in fatness, thinness, large boobs, small boobs or any variation. Bodies simply are. I worked as Laser Tech (Dermal Therapist) and seeing so many naked bodies was so therapeutic for me. Look up as many natural naked bodies as possible. Do some mirror work and affirm your own looks. Practice giving and receiving compliments with grace and intention. Practice shadow work through prompts online. Eventually, your confidence comes. There is no timeframe, just work towards it.

2. How do I stop feeling like my sexual confidence is performative?

Practice being sensual by yourself. With a mirror or without one. Practice anything you would want to do with someone else. Touch yourself in the ways you would want a lover to touch you. Soft, slow, reverent. If you see something you want to try, maybe something seductive you haven’t done before with your partner (e.g. A striptease) then you initiate it. You don’t have to be perfect but you don’t improve from merely daydreaming about your wants. Practice, practice, practice. Sex should be treated with the same gravitas, that you would approach your career, except it’s much more fun.

3. Why do I feel dirty or guilty after sex—even when it’s consensual and safe?

Women have been programmed to believe that sex is something they shouldn’t want. That sex is something that happens to women not with women. If you’re religious then the religious doctrine in your mind is running a program, even if you think you’re more secular or open-minded. If you believe in hell and in sex being something that only the worthy (or married) can engage in, then it can bring up guilt. There is nothing inherently dirty about sex. Sex is natural. Sex is the reason we’ve populated the planet. Us and all the other animals in the Kingdom.

We aren’t even the only ones who have sex for fun, but we’re the ones who have invented problems to make the process more excruciating. You deserve to have good, ball-slapping, hair-grabbing, nail-scratching sex. As often as you like, as long as it doesn’t harm others. Read up on how different cultures around the world, view and talk about sex. Follow and listen to Sexologists. Make sex something you engage with not just when you’re ready to fuck. Read up on it, talk about it often (and without shame) because this teaches you and your mind that it is safe.

4. How do I unlearn the fear of being “too sexy” or “asking for it”?

There’s just no thing as asking for sexual assault. You only need to understand that what you wear draws attention. If you couldn’t bear the attention or having to navigate what comes with it, then don’t force yourself to dress ‘sexy’ either. If you want to dress more sexy, to boost your own self-confidence or because those styles make you happy – then you can slowly get more revealing. A good starter rule would be to choose one half of the body. So if you have a mini skirt, maybe cover more skin on top. If you’re showing titage (yes, I call it that), then maybe balance it out on the bottom. Until you feel more comfortable.

Men disproportionately commit sex crimes towards women, and I would argue with the advent of patriarchy, they were the ones spreading these societal thoughtforms about women deserving it. No. It just shows a lack of self control on the perpetrating party. Women have never asked for it because they chose to wear the wrong clothes. Otherwise more women would be sexually assaulting men, as women aren’t any less sexual than men. Also, women get raped in countries with stricter rules and laws about modest dress. It was never about dress. Men assault each other in prison. I’m sure they aren’t walking around in mini-skirts in the penitentiaries. That said, when it comes to your safety use whatever methods you feel most protect you wherever you live, if that means modest dress, then so be it. It’s not worth dying for, just to wear a sheer bodysuit.

5. Why do I still worry about how I look during intimacy instead of enjoying it?

It’s a mixture of things. John Berger is often quoted by feminists, though paraphrased, regarding the male gaze. His assertion was summarised to be “inside every woman is a man watching her”. Whether you do this during intimacy or even when you are out and about, we are programmed to always be watching ourselves so we can correct our behaviour to suit the male gaze. Then we have porn. In porn the actresses are always looking good and dignified when they receive pleasure. They look perfectly seductive when they come. That’s not actually how it happens in real life. Porn is a curated experience, made to aestheticise pleasure. Otherwise there wouldn’t be so much curation and a script.

Next time you are in the middle of intimacy, I want you to focus on the sensations. If you’ve ever meditated or done any somatic work, you close your eyes and when someone tells you to focus on a particular part of the body, you isolate that. Imagine when you are being intimate, try changing your focus to the actual physical touch happening around you. We can dissociate so easily as women during sex. That’s impeding your ability to feel full pleasure, because you’re technically not fully in your body. Your nerve endings are picking up information but it’s dulled under the weight of your scrutiny. In the event you lean into being in the moment, instead of watching yourself and your man prefers your performance to your authenticity? Get a new man.

I hope you found that enlightening. Interestingly enough when I asked Chat for the questions that women who are lacking confidence ask, I received more than double the questions that the men had. So if you want a part 2, comment below. I don’t think it’s surprising, because women are inquisitive and more likely to be proactive about self development. May your journey to self-confidence be the best journey you have partaken in. May you look at your body with more love and peace.