Confessions of a libra

Dreams as communion | Credit: Here

28.06.25

[ I woke up with Chemtrails Over The Country Club in my mind so that is the soundtrack for this post ]

5:19am

I’ve awoken from a prophetic dream. I couldn’t remember the whole thing, but the bit I remembered I divined on. I was allowed to be a sacred witness to a long held truth by someone I know. Safely, lovingly. This is someone I saw recently, who held me just a little tighter than I expected. It’s crazy how much you can impact people and not realise it. I’m crying as I am writing this because it’s not often we are given that level of trust. He may or may not read my blog based on how we know each other.

I want him to know if he ever comes upon my words, I will never betray your confidence. Your soul asked me to witness the deepest, most secret and loveliest place of you. The one that required no performance. The one that could love tenderly. I know you don’t always feel that in other aspects of your life. I know I’ve only ever seen specs of your light, the deep well of your love. I will hold your love in my heart until you are ready to share it. And I can hold your hand if no one else will, when you decide to step into your truth.

This dream made me realise how many people are forced into roles of performance. Some are married to these roles, especially to their love of control or possession. Then there’s others like the man I dreamed. Pleasant, disciplined, well-liked and well-known. Yet beneath that is the loneliness of holding the dearest part of you in a closet deep inside your own heart. Guarding it with the ferocity of someone who has already seen too much. Guarding your truth with the hypervigilance of someone who refuses to be made to feel pain for their private joy. Just at the cost of one’s own humanity. One’s own ability to inhale fully into their lungs.

Sometimes people feel sorry for me when they get to know me. They see how misunderstood I am, they wish they could do more or say more but don’t. I recognise you too. I understand that it’s hard to stand up for others when you are guarding your own lived reality like a secret. When you can barely look at yourself in the mirror and whisper sweet nothings. The kind of expansive heat that comes with my Leonine heart, makes me capable of holding so many truths simultaneously. I try so hard to be understanding of people, be the container I never had when I needed it.

I weep now for those versions of me that never had me. I weep for those who have me now but do not know how to hold my light. Being a human is incredibly destabilising. I am patient with people because I know what it is like to choose to live in your truth despite scrutiny.  I know what it takes for me to make the moves that I do, that help me assert and maintain my own autonomy. I watch people contort themselves every day to please people around them that they don’t respect, but have to listen to because of hierarchies. I watch the people at the top slowly degrade themselves in the name of power. In the name of relevancy and with a secret want to be made idols. People who expect respect without giving it. People who impose themselves upon others’ silence to disrupt it. To siphon from the groundedness and taint it with their erratic behaviour.

This week has been major for me for multiple reasons. I am at the point of my recovery where I decided to work towards reintegrating myself back into life, into work. My leg is shaking and spasming through it, but I see how this momentum can serve me, if the people around me respect my vision and autonomy. So yes, for now my posting will become less frequent – but no less potent. My gift and my mission are not up for sale. They are also not up for debate. This blog is here to stay. It is the place my ancestors come to witness their hopes, dreams and pain be turned into poetry. I am the mouthpiece of every man, woman and child who also couldn’t live in their own truth. Whose gifts were treated with suspicion and violence. Whose hips were deemed to be temptations. Whose silence was misunderstood as weak will. This is why it is so important for me that write.

I think often of all my ancestors born or raised during colonisation. I think about their diminished quality of life in the name of greed and coin. How their personhood was stripped when convenient for those in power. Their influence misunderstood as heresy because they walked with primordial guardians and spirit. I think oft of their resilience in the face of cruelty. I think if they could endure the chains, the whips and the deliberate systematic erasure, I can take a few barbs and side eyes from people whose egos are too large to understand that I am not on earth to play silly little games. Whether you choose to ignore my insights because you feel threatened or you utilise me to the highest degree, this is not for me to decide. That is your karma. That is your Ledger that presents me as an option you can choose. I won’t take it personally if you choose to avoid me because of my gift. I will take it personally if you dehumanise me in the process. Your failure and impotence is not my doing.

This week I discovered a video talking about the hierarchy of thought, and how metacognition is placed at the top of that hierarchy. Once she explained it, I realised I have meta-awareness. Yes, I experience my own thoughts but I can also watch them outside of myself. It is how I choose morality over my feelings and ego every time. I don’t see people’s actions as isolated, I see them as part of the greater patterns and archetypes available to humans. It is why it’s hard to keep a secret from me.

Most recently I figured out someone I know has a crush that they believe I may have interrupted. I figured it out simply from a single moment, the mood shift that followed it – even though the entire interaction that gave me this impression was less than 4 minutes. It was the way her face fell when she saw me and the way she couldn’t bring herself to enjoyment. She was like a wilted flower or a marionette. When I was home, I thought about how my intuitive feelings could be corroborated if I used logic to explore that interaction anew. I thought about her status, her age, her social circle, her star sign and her lived experience. Once I realised that it actually made sense, it was much easier to have compassion for her. Then I divined with spirit and they confirmed my intuition was correct.

Another person this week that I saw after a while. She looked at me and smiled. My gift must have improved because as she smiled at me all I saw was darkness over her face. She wasn’t smiling from her heart and she wasn’t enjoying the interaction. She may as well have had a grey/black fog on her face visually or like someone brought a child to scribble dark dots and lines over her face. The moment would have been a minute or two max, but it was enough for me to see. Now every conversation we have, I am aware I am talking to ego not heart. That helps me navigate any future interactions.

My metacognition means, when I am hanging out with these people and I see what I see – I choose not to confront them with it. Many people think I am blunt and super expressive about things I notice. What you may not realise is, I choose very carefully who is safe to hear truth and who is not. It is not a mistake (unless I prophesy accidentally). There are many things I notice and will never bring up. I see these undercurrents happening around me, but I choose peace and harmony in the moment. Typically once I am alone, I unravel these memories. My memory is almost sharper in retrospect. That’s why it is so long, and unforgiving in its gaze.

While people replay their memories as instinct or to re-experience an emotion, I look back with forensic precision. I’ll run a scene back in my mind and I have higher and lower perspective simultaneously. I can then replay the micro-expression that I logged after this particular statement. Then I use my knowledge of Psychology, Astrology and archetypes within the collective conscious. If I’m still unsure I ask spirit. Largely my hunches about people and their motivations have surgical precision. This is why I say, if you fumble me and I leave you behind – you do not want an explanation.

I will tell you that your father didn’t love and affirm you, which is why you are punishing us all for it. I will tell you that your overworking is a crutch because you like martyrdom and haven’t cultivated enough self respect to love yourself into ease. In many situations I have been abused and taken advantage of by people I felt bad for. For while they concerned themselves with trying to control me and how I am seen, I was watching them with the discerning eyes of an Elder. Watching someone scramble for power through coercion as though that were the only blueprint. The fumes of colonialism I guess. Many people will never know the expansiveness of life lived in love and truth. Where you honour those around you for their strengths without seeing their strengths as your failure.

Sometimes people watch me be drawn to certain personalities and get jealous. They wonder why that person. What do they have that I don’t? Typically, the people that rouse the most jealousy are the most overlooked. Not for their performance, but for their honesty and honourability. I guess it’s not rewarding nor is it rewarded to actually be a good person. Yet those are the people I see the clearest. The ones who often don’t see themselves. It’s the wallflowers, it’s the silent ones whose opinion no one asks for – who are the most pure. While others posture and think they can talk their way into or out of any situation. This is what comes with society valuing words and charisma over silence. This is why Donald Trump is President of the US of A, for this second term.

I returned to ‘The House That Held Me’ this week for Physio. I believe I have become an integral part of the fabric of that place. My pool exercises were done with Njuzu-level focus. Over time, the Physiotherapists have allowed me a bit more autonomy in a lot of ways and for that I am eternally grateful. When I am with them (when I am not depressed), I feel like a human. A respected one. I feel their encouragement like a warm enveloping hug. I know so many of them now, even the ones who don’t therapise me directly. I feel that the house is even lighter since I wrote about it. Many the house accepts me even more now, as kin. Either way that mansion holds a special place in my heart. I was honoured to be able to bring its history to light, without sanitising it for the public. The spirits are very pleased.

The last little fun update is I am learning a module called ‘Advanced Astrology’ and as such I have chosen for an assignment the topic of Chinese vs Western Astrology. I have long appreciated both, but completed my self-study with mainly Western Astrology. As someone with Suzanne White’s book ‘New Astrology’, the section of the Libra/Rat is so eerily accurate. It reminds me yet again, some messaging I don’t see enough of in the Astrology community. That all the avenues are valid, even if they use different mathematical equations. Cultures simply found different pathways to the same answer. Even if they use their own mythology to understand the world around them.

I have chosen a smaller topic to start, something digestible and a building block to the more important knowledge. Upon completion, I will be posting on here and on my Cosmic Spark blog for those similarly interested. I believe this begins my journey down this path, and I believe my future clients will receiving a more holistic reading combining these elements. I have long felt connected to Chinese culture even before I found out I have had numerous past lives there. I was learning Mandarin 2 years ago and plan to return to it when my income allows. I have friends who live in Mainland China and I am excited to go back and actually visit them.

I hope you appreciate my raw life update. I was so touched by that dream, and it put perspective into how humongous this week has felt for me. I have felt that the decision to return to work even with my injury has already provided blessings. I just have to sit through the pain and let it move through me. I am more than my pain. I’m a visionary, and this injury is simply a speedbump. Not even a big one either. Which is why it annoys me when people treat me like its all I am. As we head into July, my your intuition serve to protect you from the egos of the unhealed. May you receive the kind of love and support I have cherished from this week. And my the odds ever be in your favour.