Confessions of a libra

Divine Judgement | Credit: Here

23.05.25

Sex has never needed violence for maximum eroticism. Porn has addled the minds of the modern psyche by performing aggression, disguised as sensuality. A Professor Clare McGlynn came across my for-you page on Tiktok to celebrate the UK government’s announcement that they will restrict strangulation in porn. Porn has greatly influenced modern attitudes to sex. We will go into the research about the dangers that come with autoerotic asphyxiation and I will erotically guide you into reframing the need that comes from this act. Then, I will also explore a few more acts and attitudes I believe are harmful to safe pleasure to get you thinking.

I cannot change what you did or didn’t do with your knowledge in the past, but if you make a commitment with me to present yourself as a conscious sexual partner – then we can all create a less traumatised world. Which would be really handy for our descendants. Before we get into the cold hard facts, let me make a slight detour because I’m driving this car and you’re going to have to take it. I can’t believe I ever doubted Tiktok, as an app just for the younguns. I was one of those Millenials. And now I see it as an invaluable source of community. A true expression of globalisation and with rawness.

Another gentleman I watched on Tiktok yesterday, brought up something I have heard mainly discussed in circles among women and I think this post could be the right place to start exploring this idea. Some of us have noticed that there are a lot of men out there that are for all intents and purposes, dealing with women as purely objects of sexual desire. You see this in men who talk about women like inconveniences. They state things about how they have so much more fun with their boys. They have their bromances, they treat their male counterparts with respect and only speak about women as it pertains to sex.

This cohort of men, may not realise that they are mentally and emotionally attracted to men, but compulsive heteronormativity has made them feel like it would be gay to loudly proclaim it. Women, do not allow yourselves to be played second fiddle. To be abused emotionally, physically or otherwise because a man is using your body as an instrument to be plucked, only for his will. It is 2025, if you want to spend all your time with men, talking to men and loving on men – you can do so. It is legal, you could marry a man too! Especially those men who say how sick they are of women having requirements to be with them. How about you be with a man with no requirements?

This man brought up a fantastic point. As a heterosexual man who enjoys women, he decided to take a Gender Studies class because he hoped to learn more about women. He said, the difference between him and men like this who glorify and weaponise their masculine friendship groups – is that he genuinely likes women. With that, comes a natural curiosity for women. A want to decode them, the way I do with men. Instead of looking at women as conquests, he wants to be able to cater to a woman (in truth, not the illusion of doing it), since they are the demographic he is romantically AND sexually attracted to. He learnt about the phases of a woman’s period, about the systemic issues they face because he wants to be a good partner. Instead of following unmarried right-wing podcast bros, preaching about ‘bitches’ because they just want their homie to dump his girlfriend and spend all that money on him instead.

I had an ex whose friends started to get jealous that they couldn’t see more of him. He de-prioritised me to make them happy. It hurt me so much, and I wish I had had the guts then to tell him then to let those men keep his bed warm instead. They steered him wrongly, so that when things in his life blew up they could ‘save’ him. I know for facts, years later he regrets ever giving them that power. Either way, I wanted women to consider that some of this violence we are experiencing as women, comes from misogyny and internalised homophobia. Moving on.

There has been global awareness as to the long-term neurological and psychological consequences to strangulation since at least the early 2000’s globally. In Australia, we had early studies pre-dating 2023, but since then there has been an uptick or research on the topic and articles written to raise awareness. I am inserting myself to provide this same awareness. As a sex positive person – that ancient sex positivity that the patriarchy and religion try to squelch – I believe you can have eroticism without it costing the participants. Let’s get into the data first, before we explore this further. Based on an Australian survey with a sample size of 4,702 aged between 18 to 35, approximately 57% of people had been strangled, with only 51% reporting performing the act on a partner at least once.

What was scary if for many participants it wasn’t pre-discussed and hence was performed during the ‘heat of the moment’, which means without consent. Consent cannot be understated for how much it leads to feelings of safety during sex, which improves the sexual experience for both people. For those men who struggle getting a woman to orgasm, you may have better luck by being able to make her body feel that kind of safety. That doesn’t arise from trying out being kinky like you saw in a video one time, like she’s an actress in a play.

What consent does, is allow everyone’s needs to be met. You may be into strangling others during sex but your partner might not get turned on by that act. There could be a middle ground though, wherein you decide on light pressure or a specific technique that would make your partner feel safe. Something you can try, not in the heat of the moment, to check for comfortability. If you aren’t even willing to engage in kink-safe conversations like this, you do not deserve to be stripping naked in front of someone else. Sex is for the mature, never forget the risks it come with as it pertains to STI’s (get regular checks people). Sex is not for the lazy and half-hearted. This is how you leave a trail of harm in your wake.

Choking restricts the trachea partially or completely. With each subsequent strangulation, the risks are associated with increased strokes and brain damage. Also I am going to note, that it is no coincidence that women I have known to be in abusive relationships have mentioned physical violence that includes strangulation. Clearly this is a move rooted in control. While you reading this might have thought it was just a kink and I am trying to kink-shame, kink isn’t sexy when it’s slowly killing one of the people involved. That is something I could never advocate for in good conscience.

Cis men and women reported being 8-9% more likely to have received consensual strangulation than their trans and gender diverse counterparts. I would theorise that this has to do with their communities depestalising male-centred pleasure. Male centred pleasure, as it has been presented through porn is about brutality masked as eroticism. This is why there has been a rise in woman-based porn companies like Bellesa, who I have previously referenced on this blog. Having seen porn made and written by and for women, has shown me the difference between women being used as objects versus women being active participants to their pleasure.

So that “for women” category that sounds annoyingly feminine, might be teaching you that women are tired of being degraded through sex. Women want romanticism, care and consideration. Shocker. Here is a study I found on the neurological differences between women who were choked at least 4 times versus those that weren’t. Here are two articles with further qualitative and quantitative data for you to draw your own conclusions. There is nothing wrong with wanting to play into control and submission in the bedroom. The tip is to always discuss anything at length (even more than once) way before you attempt anything.

Sex will feel safer because you are not catching anyone off guard. I know that for those who enjoy feeling that restriction, it can play into feeling ‘owned’, ‘chosen’, the feelings of being held in place while feeling pleasure elsewhere can make for a juicy cocktail of pleasure. However, it is much less about simulating playing God with someone’s life. You are supposed to be curating and amplifying someone’s pleasure. As someone who has explored sexually with intention, I have never understood wanting to actually restrict the airway.

Instead, I love when men hold my neck. It’s not about hard pressure, it’s about suggestive seduction. Imagine instead of me just kissing you outright, I hover over your lips. Immediately, your entire body is hyperaware of my presence. Now the threat of pleasure, sends electrical impulses throughout your body. It is about the implied danger of an act so close to Godliness, that it could send you to heaven. Except without your lover actually needing to die. Sometimes we like the threat of danger, more than the danger itself. Women who thought they liked bad boys until they got one, can attest to this.

This brings me into this idea that domination has to be rough to achieve its goal. Another misconception that plagues men especially. You guys need to read up into the BDSM communities and learn from them. I consider myself to be a Soft Domme and I enjoy the same in men. I want you to be able to hold my hips down as you drive into me over and over, while telling me how good I look when I give into my pleasure. I want that to be followed up post-coitally with attentive aftercare. I want to be cleaned up, kissed and cuddled.

You have been allowed to enter my temple, but everything at a cost. You do not get to taste divinity at my expense, sorry not sorry. Let’s get into the other acts I would like us to stop doing without consent and proper understanding; slapping (anywhere on the body) pre and during sex, fingering without consent, spitting anywhere on the body (I personally hate this immensely), rushing penetration (always harmful), pulling hair (spiritual implications) and attempting anal sex as an ‘accident’ (no one believes you). Note that you ignoring someone else’s recoil, their freeze response or nervous laughter, is noted on The Ledger. Spirit always knows.

It’s not about being squeamish or anti-kink. As a woman, I have observed in men this need to express their repressed sexual wants, without unpacking the shame. This leads to wanting to force these fantasies on the women they sleep with, then all of a sudden men are surprised that women know more sexual assault victims than they don’t. It always amazes me that women always know someone who has been abused sexually, experienced sexual coercion (everyone from their friends to their grandmothers) but men are always surprised.

I’ve seen men online ask ‘where are you finding these men’? They are probably your friend, your dad and your boss doing what they really want to do, without your scrutiny. If men thought they could get away with sexually assaulting men more (as they do with boys) then more grown men would be experiencing sexual abuse to the levels that women are. It’s not that you don’t know any predators. It’s that sometimes you overlook predatory behaviours behind ‘boys will be boys’. Until it arrives on your doorstep by way of your sibling or daughter whom you love without abandon. Then it won’t feel so impersonal and outside of you.

Consent is the ritual that precedes glorious sex. There is no alternative. Discuss beforehand the limits of the sexual experience. I urge you all to either remove strangulation completely from your sexual catalogue or experiment with gestures and moves that assert their authority, without bodily harm. I love holding a man by the neck as I instruct him into doing anything. I always make sure my fingers are on either side – aligning with the line of the shoulders – with no pressure in my palm which would be over the front of the neck. There are people out there, that will explain to you the anatomy of the neck and how you can avoid harm. Knowledge is power, and being forearmed is invaluable. You are saving yourself from future allegations and future therapy over your pleasure. May my words sink straight into your subconscious as a vehicle from change.