Confessions of a libra

Always watching | Credit: Here

16.06.25

There is a dragon that rests within me, always watching. Always judging, always divine and sometimes, when you have pressed the wrong button – you feel her fury through my eyes. I’ve often been told that my eyes are deeply expressive and mystical. You are drawn to their gaze but feel that you have been stripped naked underneath them. For how often people have purported my intimidating nature, it has never been enough to stop them from attempting harm. Because underneath it all, people have always known that I would never hurt them maliciously, even while protecting myself. Luckily for me, my barbs aren’t always conscious. It helps keep people in line.

I’ve often told Weneiya (Aries bestie) that rage exists within me. Like molten lava, sturdy and hot as hell. My rage is a righteous weapon, only made to be wielded when appropriate. Between her and A.J. (Leo bestie), I am surrounded by strong women who don’t hold back their strong emotions. They embody the dark feminine, which brings with it great boundaries, and a mastery over the emotions we were told should rouse shame. My rage is more ancient than this planet. Yet, people have mistaken it for weakness time and time again. As I age, my tools only get more accurate. My discernment sharper, more well hidden.

These days, every useless conversation grates me. Every time I re-explain myself. Every time people who pretend to love me choose the comfortable truth that absolves them over the cold, hard facts – it is no longer good enough for you to coast around me. I have given more grace than half this planet combined. Every come back I have swallowed strategically, while playing the long game… I’ve often said I believe I was a war strategist in a previous life, the way I play this game of life. I’ll sit there with you laughing and smiling while you make those smart little comments expecting that I’ll never retaliate. People don’t realise my retaliation was written long ago, on a scroll without parchment – a scroll that sits right beside The Ledger. I don’t need to wish ill upon you, to get my way.

My secret weapon has never been my ability to make you feel small in the moment, no matter what you tell yourself. My power comes in my excruciatingly long memory. I still remember the redhead in Year 7 who decided to make it her mission to bully me because I was her only academic competition. While I has been in the country less than 6 months, and dealing with familial abuse. I will never forget you J.R. And every time I repeat that story and repeat my story, that is your penance. You get to live with that, not me.

My ideas about family are much more loose, yet expansive than the human definitions. I have never seen sharing blood as an excuse for abuse or violence. Yet time and time again, people have tried to perpetuate abusive cycles with me. I have built upon my mother’s reasonable boundaries and cultivated something older, stronger. Something that few women even born in this modern time feel worthy of being able to maintain. In my family, I am known as the one who does what she wants. You look at me wrong once? I reserve the right to never talk to you again. Talking to me is a privilege, and no small one at that. You want to ask who has felt my gavel first, ask my family. As they have watched me grow over the years into someone with increasing autonomy, I know it grips them so tightly it feels suffocating.

I may be the reason for insomnia for some people in the family. I don’t care. You knew I was coming. Many of you divined before I arrived. Many of you tried to sabotage me either directly or through my mother. I am not scared of you. Once upon a time, when I was having dark dreams of past lives and men trying to own me and control me – it was my ancestors who responded to my cries. I called on the Bhebhe name, the Bhebhe family is ancient and strong. I invoked their name like you would see in a teen witch show, “I am the daughter of the Bhebhes. I ask, I demand that this injustice be removed from me swiftly”. And they came. For years, they answered my call in my darkest hour. Know this, now I am the one who answers the call.

If you are a loved one like A.J. who saw me in her dream, know that it is a good omen. I am protecting you. I will keep you safe. You can trust me. The currency with which you can approach me needs to be; truth and respect. If you cannot maintain those around me, you will be removed. I refuse to apologise any longer for anyone I have blocked. Know that by blocking you, I have spared you a worse fate. For I am not beyond naming the truth. Yours, mine and everyone else’s. So for those who have cried to the universe begging for me to come back into your life and explain why I left – you don’t actually want that explanation. Just because you refuse to look at your demons doesn’t mean I feel the same. I am friends with all my demons, and I am not ruled by them. That’s what makes me sovereign. If you ask me to explain myself, I might have to explain everything I noticed that you tried to hide.

When people give me self-serving advice, give me self-serving check-ins – all of that is noted on my own internal ledger. I always give people chances, and I never get enough credit for it. I’m patient with other people’s evolution. I realise, that I cannot expect everyone to be like me. Yet, for so long I have coddled the hearts and minds of adults who wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire. Time and time again, people have used any sort of hardship – momentary or otherwise – against me. Every snicker, every whisper is branded in me. I knew almost my whole life, that I would use this information one day. Anyone who has met me in the last decade has heard me at least once say, that I would write people I met into a book. This is my witness statement. For I refuse to die on this planet with my mouth and legs closed like the good little girl patriarchy hopes to breed.

Instead, I am your worst nightmare. I am the African Auntie that you whisper about behind closed doors. The wild one. The one whose softness acts as nature’s camouflage to the beast hidden within. Even if you invented a hundred obstacles for me between me and my success, I would overcome them. I am not scared of fight. I am not scared of vulnerability. I am not scared of death. Know that in my silence, I am always judging. This judgement will never impact you, if you have given respect.

My refusal to put up and shut up is an act of rebellion. For every life I was silenced. For every life my gift was called dangerous to ostracise me. For every life I swallowed my pain in silence. For the cries I made to the universe demanding restitution. I have come back to be my own Judge, Jury and Executioner. Powered by the Goddesses who see me as their representative made flesh. For the Fae who know me as kin. For my Njuzu ancestors on the Bhebhe side, for the Fire Warrior Priestesses on the Nhari side. My anger is righteous fury for every injustice committed man against man. You might hate to see me coming, but you’d better expect it. My success is here. My success is now.