Confessions of a libra

Sex is Divine | Credit: Here

09.06.25

Today, we’re shifting gears to answer the sex questions you’ve been looking up but are too scared to talk to anyone about. I have a list of questions under the categories Desire & Libido, Emotional Entanglement & Casual Sex, Shame & Self Perception, Kinks & Boundaries and Love & Sacred Sex. My first answer was so long, I decided to just answer one question per section. If you want the next lot answered, chuck us a comment. 💋

1. Why is my sex drive so high/so low compared to my partner’s?

Your libido is rooted in a few factors. Your hormones, your nervous system, your mental beliefs and energetic compatibility.

Women

Oxytocin is the primary pleasure hormone for women. Oxytocin is a hormone fostered from trust and safety. When women have high cortisol (stress maybe from carrying all the emotional and mental load in the relationship, or it could just be work/life circumstances), oxytocin just won’t rise. What this means is, in relationships where your sex life began hot and heavy and then dropped off, as the woman the first question you ask yourself is “was I still feeling feeling safe?”. Oxytocin rises during; prolonged eye contact, any prolonged affectionate touch like cuddles, emotional vulnerability, acts of service (men this one’s for you) and orgasm.

When a woman has an unrushed, deep orgasm – oxytocin rises, increasing her body’s threshold for pleasurable sensation. That’s why women are often more horny after orgasming. I personally believe in every session, women should be orgasming a minimum of twice. I would argue for myself, three times is a minimum. The first orgasm, is about building safety and trust. The second is about honouring her expanding needs. The third is scared journey that is made only the more delicious because the woman has been well primed and lubricated. Everything in the beginning should still be hot without rushing into penetration. Remember, sex is a multisensory experience. Those moans, scratches, smells are all tantalising enough so you never need to rush to ‘get to the good part’.

Men

Testosterone is the primary sex hormone in men. It’s not exclusive to men but it’s the main ingredient men need to experience deep pleasure. It also affects men’s; energy, mood, aggression, confidence and creativity. The creativity part makes even more sense when you think about the sacral chakra ruling sex and creativity. I love repeating patterns. When a man has a healthy amount of testosterone he feels; magnetic, driven, focused and ready to claim. Testosterone will rise through physical touch and sexual activity. This may explain why men always say physical touch is their love language. Something I always wondered if it was just men saying that to gain physical affection. Men also get a rise in testosterone from; praise (hello praise kinks), achievement and even being around competitive/collaborative male environments. To quote a me from one of my fiction works, “Kaito is not your competition. Kaito is your comrade”.

Nervous System

Sympathetic Dominant types are our fast burners. People with this nervous system are easily aroused physically and emotionally. Their system is alert meaning they crave; quick pleasure, chaotic and high-stakes intimacy. These people need to switch things up to stay aroused. When these people live in fight or flight, they use sex to regulate themselves or as a form of escape.

Parasympathetic Dominant Types are our slow burners. People with this nervous system open up slowly, deeply when the environment feels emotionally secure. Their system requires relaxation, safety and trust to reach their fullest arousal. These are the people who want the softness in the touch, prolonged eye contact, wanting to talk intimately to set the stage for intimacy. Once these types reach full arousal, expect complete devotion to the sexual act.

Some people can have the capacity to be both depending on the context, so this makes them a switch. People with this dual capacity love polarity in their sex life. They want to be fucked into oblivion and then tenderly held over the horizon.

Psychology

Religious and societal conditioning can affect your arousal more than you think. Any internalised shame about the body. Any unprocessed trauma. By doing shadow work or therapy, you can begin to peel back layers of conditioning that could unfurl beneath it, a blooming high libido. As someone with a high libido, in retrospect the times I didn’t completely feel safe (consciously or otherwise) in a relationship with someone, my libido was naturally lower. In my case, my high libido comes out in safe, loving partnership. So when I am single and not entertaining anyone, I don’t have sex with random people. I self-pleasure regularly, but being relationally driven, my solo sessions are not my fullest capacity.

Energetic Compatibility

Now this is one that I illustrated in the vignette “Reverent Bliss”. Not all attraction and desire is created equal from a spiritual perspective. Different people, unlock different levels of attraction based on energetic compatibility. Some people touch parts of your soul that you didn’t even realise were erotic. A relational strategy I have always found it helpful, is to meet my sexual partners where they are. Instead of hoping they will like a previous partner. This honours people’s individuality, and allows you to be open to new experiences that only that person unlocks. Each new sexual partner is a blank slate of discovery. Let the connection itself determine the dynamic that you have.

2. Can I have casual sex without catching feelings? 💔

Yes, you can but you have to be a certain kind of person, with a certain kind of mentality. It’s not always a healthy mentality either. The thing is, if you’ve never had casual sex, you won’t know beforehand in which lane you lay. My question to you then is, do you want to risk putting your heart on the line and accumulate experiences your future self may have to unpack later?

Let me also posit, that sexual engagement is equivalent to spiritual entanglement. When you just let anyone into your vessel, you are susceptible to messing with your own flow of energy. This can happen when you overestimate initial attraction. When women accept semen into their bodies, they are accepting memory, potential and ancestral data. If you get impregnated, that man’s DNA can still be inside your body for 7 years or longer. Even miscarried or aborted pregnancies leave cellular data. When that foetus is created, they become part of the living archive of the woman’s soul.

Important note: It is now confirmed to be poor epigenetic signalling and/or unstable DNA fragments encoded in men’s sperm, that lead to women’s miscarriages.

Long story short you can have casual sex without catching romantic feelings, but at what cost?

3. How do I stop feeling embarrassed about how I look naked? 🧠

You need to get comfortable with looking at your own body naked for long periods of time. Start there. Begin a ritual where you look at yourself in the mirror. You might make yourself cry. You might feel silly. And you might actually start wondering what exactly is it about your body that would be make anyone hate it? Another important tip is exposure therapy. Look up naked bodies. You want to see as many natural bodies as you can. The more you see them and realise there are so many differences and concoctions, you quicker you realise that chasing ‘perfection’ is a losing battle. They’ll always be someone who loves your body exactly as it is. Someone who would salivate at seeing a sliver of skin, ankle even!

Consider this, when you have been attracted to people, did it matter what their body looked like? Would you have given them a hard time for having one much smaller boob or for having a mole on their lower back? The answer is likely that being attracted to someone, makes even their imperfections attractive. You have appropriate rose tinted glasses on. If we weren't made that way, it would make it terribly awkward for us to have to populate the planet.

Failing all that, therapyyyy.

4. Is it okay to have rough sex and still be spiritually connected? 🧿

Yes, you can have rough sex and be spiritually connected. For me, spiritual connection during sex is about a conscious state of mind and about channelling. I am someone who doesn’t normally feel very aggressive in other areas of my life, but rough sex is a place I can channel that energy. If I have a lot of vitality (which let’s be real, Leo Mars), then rough sex is me channelling that energy that’s already dormant in my body. Intention is everything where spirituality is concerned. You can let rough sex be a conduit for other spiritual experiences. As long as it’s well communicated beforehand, and it should ALWAYS end in aftercare. A lack of aftercare after rough sex, can devalue the experience, leaving the participants with sexual fulfilment but emotional neglect.

5. What does it mean to have sex that’s “sacred”? 💌

I will answer this question in part by channelling Spirit. Sacred sex is when the soul consents, not just the body. What this looks like in practice is; presence, energetic attraction, compatibility, and communication through more than just the mouth. Communication through the eyes, communication through the breath, giving oneself fully as though your body is a gift, giving complete reverence to your intimate partner and allowing your bodies to be the conduit to deeper alignment. Your bodies will translate the language of your souls, and your souls speak. Sacred sex is a religious experience. Once you get a taste, it’s undeniable. It’s not something you can confuse ever again. It downloads like an ancient knowing in your mind and it whispers, I’ve arrived.

Whether you’re a slow burner, a chaotic lover, or a sacred switch – your body is not broken. Your desire is not shameful. Your pleasure isn’t a luxury. It’s an ancient birthright waiting to be claimed.