Confessions of a libra

Sahir | Credit: Here

23.05.25

Her trust meant everything to me and I so desperately wanted to be worthy of it. I watched her dance in ritual, her hips shaking hypnotically. She looked powerful. Serene. Like it was nothing for her to flirt with fire. She made everything look easy. She had a poise and control that was surely Godly. Managing the wellbeing of herself and others. Doing it with a righteousness that called for honour. She was my every reason to evolve, but I had been burned before.

While I couldn’t directly remember my past lives, in this one I had loved and been discarded. Burned red hot only to fizzle impotently. Now it gnawed at me in the crevices of my mind. Seeing Kaito with her I saw a version of masculinity I had previously underestimated, revered. I see how his emotionality allows for an unspoken flow between them. It’s in the body language, it’s in the silence. Where I am loud, brash, teasing.

I knew the last hurdle was accepting that I was many things to her but not everything. There should be some relief there. As a man who has mostly known combat and service, I’ve never learnt to slow down. I am seeing through her for the first time that women need to slow down. Women, even as powerful as her have many energies to integrate. Women are moon-bound, varied in frequency in a way I’d never considered. While I could make money and lift heavy logs out of her way, I couldn’t speak to her about poetry. She always says I have a poet’s heart but I am a little embarrassed to say I’ve never understood poetry. I’ve desperately tried to but it seems odd. Like it’s hidden behind an intricate web. I see some things but I’m missing the full picture.

Kaito was an honourable man, much like myself. We were becoming brethren and I was growing love for him. When we weren’t focused on Saphara, he told me of wild tales with strange men and even stranger environments. He was funny. Not funny in a bold way, but a dry wit. He had this knack for lowering my defences in the strangest moments. With a profound lesson from his life, his people or his culture. Sometimes it was uncanny how much his little statements helped me navigate my own feelings, well buried. Where I come from men spoke vulnerability laced in humour and dipped in sarcasm. There was never any resolution to the emotional pain. Only laughter and suppression. I also knew I couldn’t intimidate him with my size. I had noticed that very early on. If he’d killed a few men, I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t doubt they would have deserved it either.

Saphara asked me to man The Vault of Sacred Objects for a few days. She had received a dream that led her to think she would be robbed. While she could just as easily hex the person, she made decisions like that with great gravity. So I offered to do so the following week, as her divination had revealed. The first day everything went smoothly. I manned the vault, I performed regular searches and fulfilled my sacred duty to protect my Saphara. She never needed to ask me to put my life on the line for her.

Days two and three were much the same, I was beginning to believe we had overcome this premonition. Day four I was on a perimeter search when I saw the Priestess and Kaito walking arm in arm seemingly pointing at random things and admiring. I wondered what they talked about when I wasn’t there. These were the very thoughts I was supposed to be avoiding but I found myself following them, a while away. I always thought women would  appreciate a man of great strength like myself. I made a lot of money using my body as my greatest resource. But when he talks to her, she looks entranced. She’s soft in a way that I don’t bring out in her. No one brings out the fire in her like me! Is that enough?

They walked to the gardens that Saphara tended to. I could swear her beauty alone could sustain her flowers even in her absence. They stopped next to a bushy tree, gesturing. I stopped too. If I couldn’t give her great philosophical breakdowns the way he can, if I can’t engage in talking to her about her favourite plants – then is it not okay that someone else can?

Saphara was very isolated out here, with many of her peers servicing villages out to the other side of the country. My heart ached at the thought of how long she has had to be the strong one. I gaze wistfully at the woman who was my very own compass. For wherever she was, so would my soul be. I sighed and scratched my growing beard. That’s the trick though isn’t it? If she said she could only have one of us, I would be begging for a crumb of her attention and devotion. As it is, she sleeps with me (and him) every night.

As that thought crossed my mind I saw a flash of activity quickly between some trees, then nothing. A small tree branch shook vigorously from the movement. My senses were immediately locked into danger and I made some quick tactical decisions. This little sucker might think they are clever, but I know this place inside out. I ducked and ran round behind a wall to shield me from sight. I wanted to cut across without being seen.

My heart raced in my chest while my head had a sort of clarity that only comes from training. By the time I was in the temple walls, I was slowing down and rotating my torso to survey my target. I found him behind a large decorative vase, squeezed against the wall. He was an emaciated child, who could have easily been missed with his clothes matching the neutral hues of the wall. My hand clamped the back of his neck and I pulled him right into view. He struggled with his little might and brought forth from his clothing a little dagger while brandishing it wildly at me.

My nostrils flared at the annoyance. This boy had not seen the horrors of war, that was evident. I moved quick enough to stunt him then grabbed the blade off him, with the sharp end resting in my palm. The look on his face, as the blood drained out of it. He was all tough when he thought he would kill a grown man when his balls haven’t even dropped. I gave him one of my signature grins. The boy’s face contorted and he struggled to hold back his tears. Disappointment, sadness and confusion marred his face. Saphara and Kaito entered the hallway, running over once they noticed me holding a boy hostage.

“Sahir, is everything okay?” Saphara asked, in her signature low tone.

“I found this one getting dangerously close to the vault,” Sahir stated while brandishing the knife in the boy’s direction.

The boy’s pout was nothing short of comical. He would not be committing his life to thievery after this, I was damn sure about that.

“Boy, what is your name?” Saphara enquired, no hint of annoyance in her tone.

The boy looked up at her with watery eyes. He looked at me as though requesting permission to speak. I adjusted my grip on his neck slightly and that’s all it took.

“Emrys.”

Emrys had been adopted into the temple walls. Of course, classic Saphara. She said she would absolve him of all his sins if he lived here and made it up to her. The boy cried tears of gratitude and that touched me deep in my inner child. If only I had experienced women like her in my upbringing, I would have turned out with less trust issues.

The night drew to a close and I felt some repentance myself. I found Saphara looking up at the moon, sitting by a window. She was gazing at the moon while her hands moved. She was channelling. I sat with it, just basking in her shadow. She was done in a few minutes and turned to me slowly and expectantly. It felt like she could see into my very soul. I felt unworthy. I dropped to my knees in front of her. There may have been a popping sound in my knees. I need to remember I am an aging soldier.

“My Priestess, I nearly failed you today.” I hung my head in shame, my hands resting on my thighs face up.

She stood up and strolled over. She grabbed my chin and raised it, there was no coddling in her tone, “What have you done?”

“I let my jealousy distract me from guarding the vault. I let my feelings win over duty. And the worst part is I realised afterwards that it wasn’t as rewarding as I thought it would be.” My heart twisted, bracing for impact.

“Stand up,” Saphara demanded.

My legs followed before I was even conscious they were moving. She grabbed my hand and brought me to the window. She pointed to the moon.

“What do you see when you look at her?” She asked softly.

I was taken aback. I expected many things but not that.

“Ugh… She’s big. She’s bright. She’s waning if I remember correctly,” I said hoping I was making sense.

Saphara chuckled softly and slid into my arms. I looked down, but she was still looking at the moon.

“The moon, she is moody. No two nights are the same for her. Sometimes she’s feeling bright, other times she craves the safety of the clouds. Right now she is somewhere inbetween a beginning and an end.”

She always spoke like she came from somewhere else. Like she knew the moon personally. My hand scratched her back affectionately. She was soothing me from the guilt and I wasn’t quite sure where she was going.

Saphara continued, “I love you Sahir because you are who you are not in spite of it. I know you are not perfect. I know you are jealous. As long as you treat me with respect while you manage your emotions, I can accept your imperfections.”

She looked in my eyes then and I swear I was looking into twin worlds. I nodded slowly as I absorbed her words.

“So you mean, you love me even if I am jealous?” I asked innocently.

Saphara giggled, “Yes Sahir. As long as you do not try and control me, I find your jealousy endearing.”