Confessions of a libra

Held, my heart sings | Credit: Here

22.05.25

Routine is my jam. I know that if I log out a minute before we clock off, I can be leaving the building on time. Normally if I’m not dilly dallying talking to people, I will arrive home 20 minutes after my shift. Once I’m home, I try and get as much done and out of the way so I’m more present with Johno. He always wants to watch something or play games with me and I can’t relax while the house is a mess. And talking to him has gone absolutely nowhere so I guess I just suffer. Instead of accepting filth as my new standard of living, I just need to work a little harder so my night feels more relaxed. I might fall asleep mid-game but hey I’m not superwoman.

I quickly chucked a load on because I noticed our clothes were starting to spill from the basket. If I leave it till tomorrow, I know I have netball after work. I could ask Johno to do it but then if he says yes and forgets that will shit me. It’ll be all on my mind going into Thursday and I just don’t want the hassle. No, today it has to be. Otherwise I’ll be living under my own clutter. I quickly showered and wore some comfy clothes. Not as sexy as I would like but who has time to think of that these days. My silks will be sitting there in the drawer for when I need them.

While I really wanted takeout, Johno and I were really trying to save up to go see his parents up in Queensland for Christmas. It made sense for us to just cut back on random spending. I had taken it upon myself to try and cook meals so we don’t end up eating bacon and eggs all the time. I didn’t want to cook all the time so I always tried to make double the portions just so it eased the pressure on some nights. I prepared my veges and started cutting. I hummed absent-mindedly just hoping that if I knuckle down the task will be over before I know it. God saw it fit to give us cramps but not a free meal service? Seems pretty cruel to me. I heard the door behind me.

“Hey babe, how was work?” Johno in a casual happy tone. He pecked me in passing.

“Good, thanks.” I said in a sing song tone. I think I responded on autopilot.

I finished cutting a carrot and I swear to God I didn’t pay attention to that last bit. I’m happy I didn’t cut my fingers off Jesus Christ. Anyway, I looked back at the recipe. Two zucchinis. I grabbed them and washed them in the sink. I heard rustling down the hall and hoped he would put his clothes in the newly freed up hamper. Somehow, I imagined myself picking them up later.

“Babe!” Johno shouted.

I wasn’t even there when I said, “Yeah?”

Nothing. I waited for a smart comment but nothing came. Anyway, potatoes. I hope they haven’t sprouted. I’d probably use them anyway to be fair. I have to scrub these really well because the cheaper ones come with some industrial strength mud stuck to them. Maybe I should have gathered all my veges and cleaned them at once that would have been a better system. More efficient. I’ll try that next time. Hopefully it makes cooking 5 minutes less excruciating. Johno walked out in a new shirt. Better than nothing I guess.

“Gina. What happened today? Why aren’t you telling me about ‘the girls’?” he said in slight amusement. A defensive flare rose within me.

I reached for a frying pan hanging on display, “Yeah, but you don’t really wanna know though, do you Johno?”

I hated having to say it. I hated having this entire conversation. If he could just leave me to do the annoying tasks without adding to the annoyances. I heard his deep breath before his speech.

“Gina I’m sorry I haven’t me it more clear that I love hearing your work stories. I always make fun of it because…I don’t know that’s just what guys do isn’t it? But I genuinely do pay attention, trust.” I wanted to scoff but I waited. He crossed his arms and cheekily continued, “Okay but isn’t Kimberley the one you said kept using Jess’s soy milk?”

I stopped midway, genuinely surprised. He remembered?

“Yeah…” I offered a lifeline and hoped for the best.

“Okay and I thought Brian you said always has that weird smell? He’s the handsy one that Patricia always shuts down in conversation?”

Warmth spread through me quicker than I could comprehend. All my previous grudges melted away at being seen. So beneath all that bravado he actually cares what’s happening in my life? I had quell both the tears that wanted to come up and the heart palpitations. You can cry later, I tell myself. This was one that needed processing. I would be definitely journaling on that within the next 24 hours. Whenever I wasn’t too tired.

I smiled and relented, “Yeah they had another weird interaction in a meeting today. It was embarrassing for everyone involved.”

Johno came to sit watching me cook. I immediately loved the attention. I thought he was going to watch some TV or play a game. He stopped, seemly mid-thought.

“Do you want me to do the frying while you finish up the cutting?” It sounded like he couldn’t believe the words coming from his own mouth in real time.

An ache bloomed in my heart. I beamed, “Yes, I would love that.” 

Johno walked around to me and held me tenderly. He kissed me this time. His tongue gently caressing mine, as though in coaxing. I felt my body come alive and remembered why I wanted him to begin with. He pulled away and stared into my eyes. He still held my face, as though it could break or disappear.

“I love you Gina.”