Confessions of a libra

13.05.25

He needs me, so I get off work early.  He says he got into a car crash, he’s fine but it rattled him. I am equal parts concerned and distraught. I arrive at his house quicker than I thought, being mindful but anxious. I take a deep breath before going in. I want to be his safe space. We can talk about recklessness another time. I’m glad to find he has already left his front door unlocked. The house is freezing and it feels as much physical as metaphorical. He should’ve been here for the last 30 minutes, he hasn’t thought to get comfortable? A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I climb the stairs and enter his bedroom.

He is on his bed, hunched over and his body quakes with pain. I approach him slowly and will my energy to calm his. As soon as I touch his shoulder, he leans in and folds his body into mine. As though his last remaining resolve melted away. I hold him to me and feel his body convulse into sobs. My own tears are coaxed for it was very rare to hear a man in pain, to hear a grown man cry. It is everything I had worked to cultivate – this freedom, his trust. I have wanted him to feel safe enough to fall apart. So, somewhere within me is deep gratitude. Gratitude that I have become the kind of woman who could facilitate freedom from his mental prison. I can’t say how long we sit there in that position. Once as he calms down, I get us some tissues and water.

We speak, and he tells me the whole sordid tale from beginning. He hasn’t been sleeping well so he thought he knew what he saw. He thought he had sped into the intersection while the light was still amber. I hold space, and just let him direct the conversation. Soon he was exhausted, and I agreed. Emotions are exhausting, as a woman I understand. I offer him one of my favourite remedies.

“Do you wanna be my little spoon?” I said in soft sing-song.

He laughs, and the light is still finding its way to his eyes, ” Are you sure?”

He always asks that, as though I will change my mind. As though I will change my operating system. I don’t care what he has learnt anywhere else, but women want to cuddle you goddammit! I nod vigorously, a mischievous glint in my eye. With that he resigns and takes his post. I follow behind him and place myself where I am most comfortable. I place my arms around him and entangle our legs. At first I feel his spiked heartrate. But with time, and me modulating my breathing, his breathing slows down as well. I hear him snore before I fall into the astral realms. His leg does that twitchy thing and I smile knowing that he is safe. I thank the gods that he has made it safe – whole and in my arms.